3rd January, 2013
Dad has been going ballisitic as he had told Grandma not to have her
cronies round for what she calls Post-Hogmanay Lunchtime Wrinkly Drinkies
until Magda, her carer, returned from Normandy. Ginevra needs monitoring.
It’s all her fault that Sonia drove back home like a drunken Stig.
Clammie, Sherry’s mum, said that it had taken her in excess of five
minutes to get Sonia a cup of basic English Breakfast in
Costamuchamoulah to calm her nerves. The girl behind the counter
insisted on running through a list of all the speciality beverages until
Clammie had just snapped and shouted:
Never mind the Yu Luo White Tea from Hunan Province, nor the
Ntingwe Kwazulu from Fantasy Land. Just get the old lady a mug of
regular navvy’s with two spoonfuls of sugar before she keels over!
The girl gave her a funny look and now Clammie is convinced that
she will be persona non grata for evermore.
(To whom shall she then go, for they have the beans of eternal life?)
Still, Sherry said that she was proud of her mater as she would rather
have a subversive parent than an Establishment Clone.
Candia said that Clammie had kindly waited with Sonia until the nice
young policeman had breathalysed the old dear and checked her
She couldn’t remember if her premium was with the glamorous,
pink-sequinned, singing Aussie triplets who look so like Antipodeal
Beverley Sisters, whoever they are.
She then thought that she might have changed over to the meerkat
one, as she thought she would have received a free Sergei toy. She
liked Russians, especially Artem and Pasha, though she knew they
weren’t in the indemnification business. She expressed her anger at new EU
directives regarding gender equity and insurance policies. She was even more
inclined to vote UKIP, she asserted.
But in your case, madam, the policeman told her, it is not so much a
sex issue as an age-related one. You see, the over-eighties have just
as many accidents as teenagers.
I certainly hope you don’t…
But Clammie had restrained her, especially when the pc had asked
her to consider giving up driving and opting for the Community Bus.
She consented to consult her Tarot Cards on the matter and agreed
that there were some things that she could not foresee. Like the
brick wall, I suppose! Then she let Clammie take her cribwards to
await Her Majesty’s Pleasure.
Candia says that Costamuchamoulah are going to keep the car in situ
if they can get planning permission. It should draw the crowds as
much as Pippa Middleton’s random appearances in town. Candia
said that if the people in Headington, Oxford, could receive
government blessing 26 years ago for a shark embedded in a
terraced house’s roof, then what dreaming spires can have, day-
dreaming shires should readily be permitted to retain.
(I like Candia’s turns of phrase!)
So, Untitled 2 may be here to stay. Crash Art is very Postmodern
and so I am going to file my photos under Warhol and his 1963
silkscreen prints of the Orange Car Crash Fourteen Times. If I can get
a bit of pastiche, parody and cross-reference going in my Art History project,
I won’t have to be a clairvoyant to see an A* coming my way.
The medium is the message!