ADD, Aloha shirt, Beach Boys, Caligula, Chi Rho, Come Dine with Me, Father Christmas, Greenland Fulfilment Centre, Harry Styles, Location, One Direction, Paint balling, Red Letter Day, Richard Dawkins, Salisbury Plain, Schnautzer, Tinkerbelle, Victoria's Secret, zombie make-up
A previous Year’s updated post!
Tristram, having appeared on two television programmes in recent months- ie/
Come Dine With Me and Location, Location, Location, was regarded as a minor
culinary and real estate celebrity and therefore was approached by the local
town charities, to see if he would accept the role of Father Christmas at the
late night shopping evening. They had asked Harry Styles from One Direction
to be compere, but regrettably he was otherwise engaged. Clammie had
agreed to be Santa’s fairy as she had an up-to-date DBS check and was one
of the few mums who could pneumatically squeeze into the Tinkerbelle
More grotty than grotto! her rather unkind daughter had remarked. I
don’t think you’ll be finding ANY member of One Direction in your stocking
this Christmas, or any other year, even though they have been known to
go for the older woman!
Right! The brat had just unknowingly forfeited the Victoria’s Secret stuff
her mother had planned to buy her.
Some of Tristram’s duties involved emptying the town Lapland post box
and arranging the re-direction of the mail to the PO department that dealt
with applications to Greenland’s Fulfilment Centre. He had to read them in
order to decipher the return addresses and he showed me some of the
finest epistles deposited therein:
1) Dear Father Xmas,
As one who is a member of the ‘kids from one to ninety two’ bracket,
may I register a little festive plea?
As a long term fan of The Beach Boys, I would very much like an
Aloha shirt- Medium size. Actually, the folks over there can be
quite large, so maybe a ‘Small’ would do?
In spite of my nickname- Caligula- I can assure you that
J’etais sage pendant l’annee 2014.
Why am I falling into the Gallic medium?
Many thanks and The Peace of the Lord be With You,
St Birinus Middle School etc
PS- The use of ‘X’ in Xmas in no way indicates any agnostic
2) Dear Santa,
Please may I have a taser gun so that I can zap the next boy who calls
me Ginger Minger? I do hope that Rudolph has recovered from the
mental trauma of being called names and marginalised at games.
Bullying isn’t nice, I can tell you. I’m glad that you picked him out to
be special, even though his fur is a teeny bit auburn. It sends out
the right message.
3) Dear Santa Claws (sic),
Please may we remind you that we would prefer not to have joint prezzies?
The tandem you left us last year is still in Dad’s observatory.
On the 24th we will not set our buglar (sic) alarm, so don’t worry about coming
in. The chimney has been swept, so you shouldn’t get too dirty. If you are
sooty, please could you be careful of Mum’s cream carpet in the sitting room,
as she goes ballistic if anyone steps on it with outdoor shoes or boots.
We will leave a carrot out, as Mum doesn’t believe in suet, so mince pies
Have a good one!
Castor & Pollux.
The address wasn’t vital on this one as there was only one set of twins in
the town who answered to such stellar appellations.
4) Dear Father Christmas,
I can’t remember what it is that I really, really want, but zombie make-up
would do for my stocking. You usually get it about right, but I think The
Memory Game last year didn’t do me much good, I’m afraid. Or did you give
that to Ming? I can’t remember. Maybe it was the year before?
(There was no address on this one, but Tristram remembered that Carrie’s
son had something like ADD.)
I don’t really believe in you, but I might as well hedge my bets.
I have been reasonably well-behaved this term. Well, it is all
relative, isn’t it?
In all probability, I think I would like Richard Dawkins’ new book
for children- Faith and Fairy Tales.
I enjoyed my Apocalyptic experience on Salisbury Plain, but as
I was done out of a paint balling session, could Juniper- my sister
and I- have vouchers for a Red Letter Day involving anything
violent with tanks and weapons?
Thank You – even if you are only my dad.
6) Dear Santa,
I don’t need anything this year. Please just make a donation to Curs
in Crisis. Maybe the pugs could go on a driving course, like that giant
Schnautzer cross I saw online? Their legs are a little short, though.
I’ll leave it up to you. I think they’d like it, though, as they often ride
on my scooter, but their Highway Code isn’t up to much.
(Such selflessness brought tears to Tristram and Clammie’s eyes.)
She made Tristram a cup oftea when they returned home with the
festive correspondence and warmed up a mince pie for him.
However, she eschewed one herself, as the fairy costume was a
little tight round the bust. Tinkerbelle had obviously not been a