The school chaplain was banging on about Lent in Assembly.
What are YOU prepared to give up for Lent? he had asked the
Augustus Snodbury looked at his school calendar surreptitiously.
Last Sunday had been Sexagesima. Well, there was no issue in
abstemiousness in that line, as he had not had relations with a
woman for thirty years or so.
Maybe he could cut down his Bourbon biscuit intake. Yes, he would
tell the School Secretary to bring a single biscuit at elevenses for the
next forty odd days. That was a 50% reduction. Time off for good
behaviour in Purgatory? No, that was the opposition’s belief, surely?
His mind wandered to his ‘to do’ list. It was more than a week since
he had received the Wyvern signet ring from his step-brother in
Venezuela. He ought to reply and thank him.
After the boys had filed out, he sat at his desk and began to draft a
St Birinus Middle School,
27th Feb., 2014.
My Dear Hugo,
I am writing to confirm receipt of the signet ring on our mother’s instructions.
I realise that finding the cost of its postage must have been challenging for
you at this time of rampant inflation in your country.
I enclose a photograph of your niece, Drusilla, and myself, standing outside
Wyvern Mote. The lady in the wheelchair is your Aunt Augusta- Berenice’s
Augusta oversaw my education when our mother- he was going to write
‘scarpered‘, but Tippex-ed it out and replaced it with ‘left for warmer climes.’
The news did not come as too severe a blow to Augusta, as she had
believed her sister had been disappeared years previously. We did not go
into too many details anyway, as the old dear is now in her dotage.
Wyvern yielded some of its secrets on our visit. Drusilla spotted a photograph
of the tutor in an old schoolroom and his facial features betray my origin. Not
yours, of course, dear boy. Perhaps you have inherited Berenice’s genes in
the appearance department. In that case, you may resemble Aunt Augusta,
who is said to be her ‘dead spit‘, as some would crudely put it. Judge for
Perhaps you would find it in your power to send us a photo of yourself-
possibly in revolutionary garb, manning barricades or indulging in some
such activity. That is, unless your post is censored.
Dear old St Birinus must have been watching over us, as my mother
remembering the name of the school led to our successful contact. An odd
thought came to me in Assembly. Apparently Birinus could also be spelled
‘Bernius’. Was our mother given the saint’s nomenclature by a dyslexic
registrar? What connection did her parents have to the school, or to the
saint? Our grandmother was Augusta too, if I recall correctly and our
grandfather was a rug merchant, and probably a rogue trader too, by all
accounts, from somewhere in the Bosphorous. I saw a photo of him once
and he bore a striking resemblance to David Dickinson, that antiques
I would love to come and visit you, dear brother, but GovUK advises against
it at present. The site informs me that you have been experiencing heavy rain
and road conditions are poor. We have a similar situation in Surrey,
Hampshire, Dorset and Somerset.
No doubt your passport has been suspended. We are concerned
when we read of famous beauty queens and boxing champions being
Our peripatetic marimba teacher commented that El Sistema, the universally
famous Music Education programme should speak out about your political
situation. He is disappointed that Gustavo Dudamel, Music Director of the
Los Angeles Philharmonic, has not taken a stand. But he cannot embed
secret messages in his music, as Shostakovich did, as he is only a conductor
and not a composer, as I tried to point out.
Thank you also for the inadvertent gift of a poodle moth which somehow got
into the packaging of your communication. The Biology teacher was thrilled.
He posed me a riddle: What is fuzzy, adorable and terrifying all at the same
(He had read this sub-title in one of our staffroom magazines: The Week, as it
happens. Not a publication with which you may be familiar, but no matter…)
I don’t like riddles in general, but I immediately replied, John Boothroyd-
He is a bete-noire of mine. The correct response should have been Poodle
Take care, little brother. One day we shall meet and discuss the missing
May St Birinus protect you.
(He scribbled ‘Gus‘) and then signed off with a flourish:
Augustus Snodbury (Acting Head)
Then he crossed out the parenthesis and sealed the personal letter in
a school envelope. The School Secretary could work out the international
postage and use the office franking machine. There was no fraud involved.
He was, after all, saving the school catering budget a fortune on biscuits for
the foreseeable future. Or so he rationalised.