Elvish Landscape by Candia Dixon-Stuart.
Amanda Barrie, Andrew Marr, Antony and Cleopatra, Carry on Cleo, Chichester Festival Theatre, Dan Snow, Hilary Devey, History of the World, Janet Suzman, Kim Cattrall, Lord of the Rings, Neil Oliver, Shakespeare, Smeagol
Yes, the rain is back with a vengeance. The average monthly rainfall in the UK was expected over a few hours. A thirty two year old New Zealand woman was killed by a falling branch at Kew Gardens yesterday – but hey!- all those drivers who cut down the narrow roads through the villages in our part of the country still want to force you into the roadside hedges while they spray you with a mini tsunami.
Last night the first programme in The History of the World by Andrew Marr was broadcast. It was a choice between that and Dragons’ Den. Since I didn’t want to induce scary nightmares to my slumbers, I decided to give Hilary Devey a miss. I gave Marr the benefit of the doubt. (His wife has been doing that quite a bit recently.)
I don’t know who provided the graphics, but they were very reminiscent of those in Lord of the Rings. The crumbling stone arches which homo sapiens had to traverse in order to leave the African continent led the tribe to vaster territories in which to spread their DNA. I half expected Andrew to materialise as Smeagol, crying:
Come on, Hobbits. Long ways to go yet. Smeagol will show the way.
At that point a horde of marauding Orcs would have eaten him and spat out his bones.
I couldn’t take the commentary seriously as I kept thinking about how the presenter himself has not revealed himself to be highly evolved in any ethical sense.
This tiny genetic mutation- yes, red hair is the result of a recessive gene, and I can say that as I have the same colouring- pointed out that 27,000 years ago, our ancestors left handprints on the walls of caves. Okay, Andrew, but they did not leave them beneath the waistbands of jeans worn by female colleagues outside bars in Fitzrovia, before rushing off from the family home to interview US presidents.
I can’t imagine what Michelle’s reaction would be if Barack started misbehavin’. I think she would be more than cross and might leave something larger than a handprint on his backside.
Marr then waxed lyrical about the invention of the needle which enabled mankind to wear clothes that actually fit properly. Try telling that to weather girls.
Since then the tie has been invented, but quite a few trendy tribes of politicians seem to think that they can wear a suit and omit the aforementioned item of neckwear. They belong to the type that has to continually apologise and I personally do not trust Neanderthal, retrograde informality- except in Neil Oliver. Maybe they will be eaten by their successors.
Marr then popped up in Egypt with a dramatic representation of what happened to the hooligan elements who de-stabilised society by sleeping around. This took place in the first towns and he commented that the behaviour reminded him of Eastenders. Would that have been plebeian conduct, Andrew? No, he just put it down to an outbreak of Wild Nile Naughtiness but he explained his own misadventure as being the product of overindulgence in alcohol- a few too many glasses of Cobra, maybe?
Or maybe he has been carried away by the Janet Suzman production of Antony and Cleopatra at Chichester Festival Theatre, with Sex and the City actress, Kim Cattrall trying to outdo Amanda Barrie in carrying on. Ah, Andrew, well might you exclaim:
Infamy, infamy – they’ve all got it in for me
But you deserve it!
There are no final victories over the darker side of human nature, he said.
So, what could it possibly be that attracts women to very well-paid presenter and interviewer Andrew Marr?
If you are looking for good genes, why not make eyes at Dan Snow? Now that’s a colossus, or would he just be pleased to meet me?!
© Candia Dixon Stuart and Candiacomesclean.wordpress.com, 2012