Whatever

Tags

Actimel, expressive aphasia, Game of Thrones, heritage lamp post, Hodor, irritable bowel syndrome, Jamie Oliver, Kristian Nairns, Laocoon, Lisa Faulkener, Manuel, Mocha, Pastel-de-nata, penance, Portuguese custard tart, Vicar of Dibley, Year Five

(photo by Luca Masters from Chocowinity, NC, USSA)

John Boothroyd-Smythe was winding up his mother

as usual.

It was the Easter break and he was supposed to be

revising.  However, the state of his bedroom was not

conducive to serious study, his parent felt.

She threatened to dock his allowance if he didn’t put

his dirty clothing into the laundry bin, but he just shrugged

and muttered, Whatever.

Your name isn’t Hodor, by any chance? she remonstrated.

Not a flicker.

You know- that character in Game of Thrones.  The one who

only utters a single word.

John grunted and did not avert his gaze from his computer

screen.

Oh, I give up! Gisela expostulated, depositing his underwear

and sundry soiled garments on the floor.  Some socks entwined

themselves into a tangled series of knots that would have given

Laocoon a tourniquet or two.  Why do you have to be so

monosyllabic?

Wot?

Later, in Costamuchamoulah must-seen cafe, Gisela was sharing

her woes with a vaguely interested acquaintance.

Brassica had twin boys in the same class as John.  She tried to

overlook the painful fact that he had bullied her precious sons-

Castor and Pollux, causing withdrawn behaviour on their part.

Eventually she had involved Mr Milford-Haven, who had been

unable to address the issue.

It was only when he had passed the case on to Mr Augustus

Snodbury, The Senior Master, that the name-calling (‘Bastard

and Bollocks’ or ‘Custard and Pillock’) had stopped.

Maybe it was because Mr Snodbury took to abbreviating

Boothroyd-Smythe’s surname to ‘B-S’ and wrote the bully boy’s

forename initial in Latin form, as a capital ‘I‘, thus rendering the

whole I B-S, which everyone, including all the Masters, knew stood for

Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Some felt this was a trifle cruel, but Snod said that the child had the

same miserable effect on one and all and that he personally required

a probiotic Actimel from the Staffroom fridge before he could face the

bete noire on a Monday, period one.

So, Mrs Willoughby found the effort of appearing sympathetic

somewhat challenging.  She endeavoured to adjust her facial

expression when Gisela complained:

He basically only utters a single word at any one time.  Sometimes I

worry that he might have Expressive Aphasia.

What’s that?  queried Brassie, suddenly wondering if it was contagious

as her boys exhibited something very similar.

It’s a neurological condition, explained Gisela.  There can be a lesion in

the part of the brain that controls speech.

But John spoke quite fluently until Year Five, didn’t he? commented

Brassie.

Um, yes, but he did receive a blow to the head during a rugby

match recently.  Apparently this condition can be initiated by trauma.

Brassie was worried now.   At the time she and Cosmo had

congratulated Castor for tackling the bully and bringing him down.

She stared into the fern motif in the chocolate powder of her Mocha.

Gisela was in her stride now.  He doesn’t reply when I call his name.

Oh, my two are just the same, but their father calls it Selective Hearing

and he is just as bad.  She unfolded her tablet and Googled Expressive…

What did you call it again?

Aphasia, supplied Gisela.

Oh, I think there is a girl in Tiger-Lily’s class called that.  Hang on…It says

that those who have been diagnosed with it cannot form syntactically

complex sentences.

You see!  interrupted Gisela.  That’s what John is like.

No, soothed Brassie.  I’d say that everyone is on a spectrum.  Hodor

Syndrome would be at one extreme and individuals probably reveal

varying degrees of the tendency.  That gushy woman we had to wait

behind at the Parents’ Evening probably exhibited the other extreme.

We can all communicate telegraphically.  I mean, I bumped my head

badly and nearly concussed myself when I was transfixed by a dress

in the window of ‘A La Mode’.  I walked straight into a Heritage lamp

post.  Cosmo says I’ve never been the same.  But, I wouldn’t think

John is morphing into Kristian Nairns, aka Hodor, just yet.

I did drop him on his head once when he was a baby, confessed

Gisela in a whisper, which was nevertheless overheard and instantly

processed by The Suttonford Grapevine.

Most mothers have done that, absolved Brassie.  I suppose that’s

why most husbands are men of few words.  She felt like The Vicar of

Dibley, only slimmer.  Should she prescribe some penance?

But don’t girls get dropped too? asked Gisela with disarming logic.

They seem to be more robust cranially-speaking, said Brassie.

Maybe it is an evolutionary adaptation to inure them to survival

after being dumped in later life.

The minute she had tactlessly uttered this, she regretted it,

given Gisela’s recent divorce.  Have another Pastel-de-nata, she

distracted.  Go on.  You deserve it.

Pastel-de-nata?

Portuguese custard tart, after Jamie Oliver.

I think it is a Lisa Faulkener recipe, actually, clarified the barista,

removing their used plates.

Tanto faz! Gisela brightened.

Que? said Brassie, attempting a quizzical Manuel impression.

Whatever, Gisela laughed and sank her veneers into one of the

seriously moreish roundels.

Strictly Finals

Tags

Anton du Beke, bangles.., Barrowland, Baubles, Bermuda beads, Border Terrier, Bruce Forsyth, Brucie, bugle beads, Christmas tree Trafalgar Square, Craig Revel Horwood, Denise van Outen, Dennistoun Palais, eminenece grise, Frank Sinatra, Fred and Ginger, Fred Astaire, Kismet, Laocoon, Latin moves, Louis Smith, Mayans, Mother Shipton, Rita Hayworth, soothsayer, Strictly Finals, Tess Daly, Vincent Simone

As the Finals approach again this year, here’s what happened in a certain

household two years ago.  Is it really so long since all these characters

operated in combination?  Sir Bruce and Artem have gone.  Oh well, the

glitz goes on…

 

Brassie and Cosmo’s Strictly Finals party was in full swing.  Brassie

had found a Frank Sinatra CD in Help the Ancient and was playing

Baubles, bangles, hear how they jing, jinga-linga to encourage

everyone to get into a sparkly mood. Certainly, tonight was

Kismet.

Most of the guests were downing bubbly and becoming increasingly

effervescent and aerated. Ginevra was ensconced in the prime

viewing position in front of the large plasma screen.  She was

cheerful and enjoying her favourite Dewlap gin, with very little tonic.

Everyone was wearing enough ruffles, fringing, Bermuda and bugle

beads to keep Julien Macdonald in ecstasies till actual Doomsday.

Their scintillation would have been sufficient to have illuminated the

Christmas tree in Trafalgar Square.

Sonia arranged a sweepstake for the guests to wager on the winner

of the coveted glitter ball.  Of course, she was not permitted to enter

since she would have had an unfair advantage as a professional

medium.  When the twins tried to elicit a clue from her, she merely

raised her eyebrow, in a Vincent Simone enigmatic expression.

Maybe she did know something and might have been more astrologically

in touch than the Mayans, but she had a greater affinity with Mother

Shipton than any South American soothsayer.  That could have been

applicable to her Latin moves too.  The twins turned away in

embarrassment when she tried to shimmy and they consequently

tripped over Andy, the annoyingly ubiquitous Border Terrier, so he

was banished and gated in the kitchen.

Tiger-Lily and Scheherezade supported Louis Smith and defended

their choice hotly when teased that they were merely responding to

his lack of a costume.

Ginevra, the eminence grise, favoured Anton and had to be told that

he was not a contender. But he dances like Fred Astaire, she

retorted.  When the girls explained which dancers were finalists, she

decided to bet on Kimberley, as she thought she looked a little like

Rita Hayworth.

Once she had her glass re-filled, she didn’t care which programme

she was about to watch.

Carrie supported Dani; this was more to do with the dark pony’s

Italian partner, however.

I decided to opt for Denise, as I felt sorry for her lack of support.

She had been subject to some bad luck owing to costume

malfunctions and had covered her professional partner’s mental

blank, mid-performance.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da: everyone was riveted and crowded round the

screen.  Bruce grinned: Nice to see you; to see you…

Just as everyone shouted Nice in return, there was a fragmentation

of the picture.  Two words appeared: No Signal. Tess’ lovely face,

usually a mask of tolerance while Brucie lifted her leg (though he was

more like the dog round a lamp-post) disappeared.

Oh no! everyone exclaimed. What’s wrong?

Cosmo was dispatched to the fuse box in the kitchen.  Carrying a

bowl of floating tea-lights, he nearly tripped on the threshold as he

tried to negotiate the child gate that had been attached to the door,

to deter the excitable Andy. A veritable Laocoon of tangled and

chewed cables was all that remained of the Christmas tree lights,

once they had been dragged from the hall.

Brassie! he shouted.

She managed to feel her way out of the sitting room and stumbled

into the scene of canine chaos.  So much for thoroughbreds and

champion breeding.

There was no fuse wire in the electrical box, so Cosmo was also in

the doghouse- a destination with which he was only too familiar.

Everyone decided to hot-foot it to Sonia’s place, which was the

nearest viewing possibility.  Difficult in crystal-encrusted stilettos.

It was only when the glitter ball had been awarded that someone

realised that Ginevra was missing.  There had been nothing

problematic with her electric wheelchair, but everyone had forgotten

her in their eagerness to hiss Craig Revel Horwood’s initial

pronouncements.

When Cosmo rushed into the sitting room with a borrowed torch, he

found her fast asleep and perfectly warm under her tartan blanket.

She had consumed the rest of the bottle of Dewlap– neat, by all

accounts.  She was alert instantly and wanted to know if she had

won the sweepstake.  Cosmo lied and presented her with an

uncorked bottle as a prize and she went back to sleep, happily

dreaming of Fred and Ginger and the days when she used to dance

at the Dennistoun Palais and Barrowland in Glasgow, with her first

love, Gianbattista Pomodoro, Carrie’s grandfather, before he

married Jean Waddell in 1946.

But who had really won?

Cretans/ Cretins

Tags

Bellarmine, Civil War, codicil, Cretans, demesne, free lunch, Laocoon, metamorphic, Phuket, priest hole, recusancy, The National Trust, Vergil

Recusancy, said Dru.

Sonia looked blank and Ginevra said, An aversion to authority.

It runs in our family, Diana.

I detached myself from that particular set of genes.  They weren’t

part of my DNA.  Actually, they weren’t anything to do with us at all.

Not Dru, Augustus, nor myself.

It was the family who owned the Wyvern Estate who were recusants.

That’s why they had a priest hole, Mum, Dru commented, as she read the

rest of the tale of the missing boy from Ginevra’s tablet.  Anthony Revelly

had a brainwave. He had been teaching the boys about The Civil War and

he suddenly thought that Lionel might have found the idea of a secret hiding

place exciting.

Was Lionel the nasty boy? I asked.

Yes.  Anthony told the estate staff to knock along the panelling in the library.

The walls were so thick that no one had heard Peregrine’s frantic tapping.

They were able to find a hollow sounding area and then they discovered a

section of book shelving which was metamorphic and turned around.  The

poor child was shocked and dehydrated.  He had been in darkness and the

only bottle he could find was a Bellarmine which contained bones and nails

and nothing else.

Ginevra looked stunned at the thought of a bottle which contained

no liquid.

How had he become trapped?  I asked.

It says that Lionel had deliberately enclosed his brother, or immured him,

to be precise.

How awful!  What happened to him?  How was he punished?  He was old

enough to know better.

I think his mother sent him away to a boarding school.

Well, that explains why Peregrine’s mother thought so much of Anthony,

Sonia stated.

Yes, she would, wouldn’t she? observed Ginevra.  I hope she disinherited

that awful elder son.  I know I would have.  I wouldn’t even have left him

my empties.

I wonder what happened to the two boys in later life? I deliberated.

We had some drinks and Dru continued to search while the tablet’s

battery was charged.

Oh, that’s sad, she said.

What? we all chorused.

Lionel amassed gambling debts, dropped out of university and went

to Phuket.

What? said Ginevra.

It’s a place in Thailand, Dru elucidated.  I’ve just called up his obituary. 

He seems to have developed a drug habit and died in his early thirties.

His mother must have passed away by then as it only gives Peregrine as

kin. It says an estranged brother was resident in Vancouver.  The boys

were designated ‘of Wyvern Mote’, before its gifting to The National Trust.

I wonder if Peregrine is alive? I ventured.

Apparently not.  There is a eulogy to him in his old school magazine,

under ‘Old Boys’ which says that he perished in a ski-ing accident and

left no issue.

So, how was Anthony able to remain in the stable block apartment for

life?  I mean, the family had revoked any right to ‘demesne’, I think it’s

called, I enquired.

Their mother must have arranged a codicil or something which gave him

the privilege, in recognition of his outstanding services as a tutor, said

Sonia.

And all I ever got was someone’s mother’s bath oil from the previous

year, I protested.

Well, that’s one more votive offering than I ever got, replied Dru.

But anyway, one should beware of cretins bearing gifts.

Cretans, I corrected.  Honestly, my daughter’s Classical Education

leaves a lot to be desired.  She only did Class Civ.  It’s as well Gus

didn’t hear her.

Actually, if my memory serves me right, it is timeo Danaos et dona

ferentis. 

So, that would be a warning against Greeks.  The Cretan admonition is

about lying, I think.

Mum! Are you paying attention? Dru brought me back to earth.

Yes, there’s no such thing as a free lunch, nodded Ginevra sagely.

Not even a free drink!

And she looked somewhat downcast at this reflection.

I’d better go, said Dru.  I’ve got such a backlog of marking to deal

with before Monday morning.  Dad’s floated away, but mine is very

present and unless I hide in a Trojan Horse, or a priest hole, the girls will

be after me first thing to know if they have got stars on their A’s.

We used to have stars in our eyes, said Ginevra.  Now they only have

them on a piece of paper.  How sad.

And we all agreed.

I was so pleased that Dru HAD got the Classical reference after all.

Thanks, guys, she said as she rushed off. I appreciated the hospitality.

I bet Anthony Revelly appreciated his too.  Only he had it for a good few

years longer and the accommodation did seem to be rent-free, lucky man.

I wonder who is paying his nursing home fees?  Probably you and I, if he

has no savings.  Some people do get free lunches!  But it is never likely to be

Dru or myself.  We just get snarled up in bureaucracy like poor old Laocoon

and his snakes, so it isn’t worth the struggle.

What is the Subtext?

Tags

Blighty, Bradford on Avon, Caligula, Edward Pevensie, fauns, Laocoon, Lapland, Narnia, Queen of Narnia, sheepskin rug, Turkish Delight, White Witch

Drusilla was back in Blighty after her week in Turkey.  Now she

had to post last minute cards and mark a load of mock papers.

Thank goodness her mother was doing all the Christmas cooking

down in Bradford-on-Avon.  She was enjoying being looked after by

Diana, and her father, Augustus, would arrive for Christmas in a few

days, bringing a goose, apparently, as his festive contribution.

Added to the seasonal burden of activity, she had to make a visit to

Great-Aunt Augusta in Snodland Nursing Home for the Debased Gentry.

She had let her father off the hook, as far as accompanying her,

as he had a prostate appointment, but the demanding self-appointed

materfamilias really preferred to have a one-to-one session with her

new-found female relative, Dru suspected.

Dru telephoned the care home beforehand, to check that the old

battleaxe was still in the Land of the Living.  No use in wasting petrol.

She spoke to switchboard and was connected to her aunt’s room

straight away.

Aunt Augusta?

Yes, dear.  Did you get that money?  I never trust postmen nowadays..

Yes, thank you. I’ll be down on Tuesday afternoon.

You bought the Turkish Delight I asked you to get me?

Of course.

Good.  Edward Pevensie’s favourite!

Who is Edward..? (Maybe it was some old codger she played

at Bridge.)

Haven’t you read the Chronicles of Narnia?  her aunt broke in.

I give sweet things to the staff here.  That’s what The White Witch

did.  Good for controlling minions.

Drusilla began to have serious doubts that she should have indulged

the old bat’s whims, especially if she was going to be manipulative

with the spoils.

Like The Queen of Narnia, her great-aunt had no children of her own

and was probably making a move to adopt her grand-niece.  Great-Aunt

Augusta seemed to share the evil child enslaver’s regal propensity for

focussing on the negative aspects of others’ characters and playing

down any faults of her own.  But the aged relative was actually openly

admitting to corrupting others by creating sugar cravings.

Dru realised that she was genetically linked to a witch!

The next thing will be that she starts to blame lying fauns for her

detected wrongdoings, Dru mused, while the old fiend rattled on.

I’ve looked out all the old photos, Aunt Augusta continued.  There’s

one of your father lying naked on a sheepskin rug, aged about six

months.

Can’t wait, lied Dru.  Oh, someone’s at the door.  Must go!  See you

on Tuesday.

She wasn’t lying.  A member of the allegedly untrustworthy Guild

of Hermes was holding out a contraption on which she had to inscribe

an identifying mark.  He was standing in a veritable Laocoon of elastic

bands.

Merry Christmas, love!  he smiled, holding out a padded envelope which

should have been able to have been slipped through the letterbox. He

was lingering just a fraction too obviously, in keeping with the time of

year.  Ah no, to be fair, it required a signature.

Thanks! replied Dru.  Same to you.  And she shut the door somewhat

distractedly.

For once, the package was actually addressed to her and wasn’t for

the neighbours. It had been re-directed from the school boarding

house.  Gosh!  The office staff must still be working.

What could it be and who was it from?

At least the postperson hadn’t put one of those wretched cards

through the letterbox, necessitating a scurried trip to the office to

collect whatever it was.

She took a creased fiver from her purse and hurried out in her slippers.

He was easy to spot in his luminous waistcoat.

Merry Christmas!  She tipped him just before he chalked some esoteric

symbol on their gate post, which would have meant that their mail

would possibly have been permanently re-directed to Lapland.

Cheers! he grinned, dropping a couple more elastic bands on the path

in his adrenalin rush of greed and pushing his trolley into the lane.

Oh well, Aunt Augusta’s over-generous paper flourish had come in handy

after all. Yet, every gift seemed to be a bribe of one sort or another.

She looked at the sender label on the back of the package.  Cryptically it

only read: “Caligula” and was postmarked as having originated in Cornwall.

She ripped the padded envelope open.  A little black velvet pouch with

drawstrings was revealed.  She pulled the knotted strings and a fine gold

chain with a tiny gold harp slid into the palm of her hand.  A card

accompanied the gift and it said:

To My Angel xx

What is the subtext? she asked herself.

Dru!  Who was that?

No one, she lied.  Just something for the neighbours.

Strictly Finals

Tags

Anton du Beke, Barrowland, Border Terrier, Bruce Forsyth, Craig Revel Horwood, Denise van Outen, Dennistoun Palais, Frank Sinatra, Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, Julien Macdonald, Kismet, Laocoon, Louis Smith, Mayan, Mother Shipton, Rita Hayworth, Tess Daly, Vincent Simone

The world didn’t end yesterday, so maybe the Mayans weren’t so

clever after all.  It was going to be curtains for some of the Strictly

contestants, however, in a few hours.

Brassie and Cosmo’s Strictly Finals party was in full swing.  Brassie

had found a Frank Sinatra CD in Help the Ancient and was playing

Baubles, bangles, hear how they jing, jinga-linga to encourage

everyone to get into a sparkly mood. Certainly, tonight was

Kismet.

Most of the guests were downing bubbly and becoming increasingly

effervescent and aerated. Ginevra was ensconced in the prime

viewing position in front of the large plasma screen.  She was

cheerful and enjoying her favourite Dewlap gin, with very little tonic.

Everyone was wearing enough ruffles, fringing, Bermuda and bugle

beads to keep Julien Macdonald in ecstasies till actual Doomsday.

Their scintillation would have been sufficient to have illuminated the

Christmas tree in Trafalgar Square.

Sonia arranged a sweepstake for the guests to wager on the winner

of the coveted glitter ball.  Of course, she was not permitted to enter

since she would have had an unfair advantage as a professional

medium.  When the twins tried to elicit a clue from her, she merely

raised her eyebrow, in a Vincent Simone enigmatic expression.

Maybe she did know something and might have been more in touch

than the Mayans, but she had a greater affinity with Mother Shipton than any

South American soothsayer.  That could have been applicable to her Latin

moves too.  The twins turned away in embarrassment when she

tried to shimmy and they consequently tripped over Andy, the annoyingly

ubiquitous Border Terrier, so he was banished and gated in the

kitchen.

Tiger-Lily and Scheherezade supported Louis Smith and defended

their choice hotly when teased that they were merely responding to

his lack of a costume.

Ginevra, the eminence grise, favoured Anton and had to be told that

he was not a contender. But he dances like Fred Astaire, she

retorted.  When the girls explained which dancers were finalists, she

decided to bet on Kimberley, as she thought she looked a little like

Rita Hayworth.

Once she had her glass re-filled, she didn’t care which programme

she was about to watch.

Carrie supported Dani; this was more to do with the dark pony’s

Italian partner, however.

I decided to opt for Denise, as I felt sorry for her lack of support.  She

had been subject to some bad luck owing to costume malfunctions

and had covered her professional partner’s mental blank, mid-

performance.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da: everyone was riveted and crowded round the

screen.  Bruce grinned: Nice to see you; to see you…

Just as everyone shouted Nice in return, there was a fragmentation

of the picture.  Two words appeared: No Signal. Tess’ lovely face,

usually a mask of tolerance while Brucie lifted her leg, disappeared.

Oh no! everyone exclaimed. What’s wrong?

Cosmo was dispatched to the fuse box in the kitchen.  Carrying a

bowl of floating tea-lights, he nearly tripped on the threshold as he

tried to negotiate the child gate that had been attached to the door,

to deter the excitable Andy. A veritable Laocoon of tangled and

chewed cables was all that remained of the Christmas tree lights,

once they had been dragged from the hall.

Brassie! he shouted.

She managed to feel her way out of the sitting room and stumbled

into the scene of canine chaos.  So much for thoroughbreds and

champion breeding.

There was no fuse wire in the electrical box, so Cosmo was also in

the doghouse- a destination with which he was only too familiar.

Everyone decided to hot-foot it to Sonia’s place, which was the

nearest viewing possibility.  Difficult in crystal-encrusted stilettos.

It was only when the glitter ball had been awarded that someone

realised that Ginevra was missing.  There had been nothing

problematic with her electric wheelchair, but everyone had forgotten

her in their eagerness to hiss Craig Revel Horwood’s initial

pronouncements.

When Cosmo rushed into the sitting room with a borrowed torch, he

found her fast asleep and perfectly warm under her tartan blanket.

She had consumed the rest of the bottle of Dewlap– neat, by all

accounts.  She was alert instantly and wanted to know if she had

won the sweepstake.  Cosmo lied and presented her with an

uncorked bottle as a prize and she went back to sleep, happily

dreaming of Fred and Ginger and the days when she used to dance

at the Dennistoun Palais and Barrowland in Glasgow, with her first

love, Gianbattista Pomodoro, Carrie’s grandfather, before he

married Jean Waddell in 1946.

But who had really won?