Rogue One and Two

Tags

anachronism, Clone Troops, First Minister, Galashiels, Isis, ISS, Jedi, Labour Party, Lord of the Flies, Lucasfilm, Mal'arg'osh, Mars Bars, Mars Mission, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Princess Leia, Rebel Alliance, Rogue One, Salmond, Sarah Brightman, The Dark Side, thrawn, Thrawn Crisis, Yoda

The Labour Party members are all but extinct; the Old Country is in

turmoil and there is a dark threat hanging over us all, remarked

Brassie, as she read The Daily Mail in Costamuchamoulah must-

seen cafe.

Sounds like the plot of the new Lucasfilm, commented Carrie.

A band of Resistance Fighters unite for a daring mission to

inflict independence.  They want to avoid imperial

entanglements…  Brassie looked up.  You’re right.  All we

need now is the return of Only-Wan Kebabi, the slimline version

of the original mentor, or Only-Wan Cannelloni as he is known in

some parts of ethnically diverse Glasgow.

The parts with the Art Deco ice cream parlours?  Carrie asked.

You got it!  Then the locals would indubitably realise that the gods

were not coming to save them.

Brassie thought for a moment.  Hmmm…the  erstwhile leader never

used to answer the questions.  In some subcultures, ‘Obi-Wan Kenobi’

means: ‘Your question doesn’t make sense.’  In Salmond’s case, it was his

answers that were the problem.

One thing that you learn in politics is that the Clone Troops usually

turn on their Jedi generals, observed Carrie.

We can only hope, agreed Brassie.  Mind you, I think the new leader

is more like Princess Leia.

How so?

Well, Leia was an accomplished senator during the civil war and

a proponent of The Rebel Alliance and was instrumental in the

creation of a New Republic.

I see what you mean.  She was a bit of a tomboy, but then she

got a makeover.  In the same way, it seems that the wee battler

has been called ‘Swanky Kranky’ now.

Wasn’t Leia a bit of a prankster?  I don’t know if Nicola has a

sense of humour.

Yes, Leia destroyed the budget for the following year, Brassie

grimaced.  But at least she did disapprove of expensive parties

being held while the poor were suffering in Galashiels… I mean,

The Galaxy. She did attend receptions for offworld personnel,

however.

Some critics felt threatened by her, but others viewed her as

being pathetically idealistic, Carrie recalled.

Yes, she was nicknamed ‘Madam Senator’ or ‘Little Miss

Inalienable Rights.’

How very similar!  Didn’t she want to find a new location for the

Rebel Base?

Brassie had a brainwave.  You know, I don’t see why the SNP

don’t go on that Mars Mission, on a one-way ticket, with the

likes of Sarah Brightman.  It’s a Red Planet, so they should feel

quite at home there.  They could confine their Thrawn Crisis to

their own planet.

‘Thrawn’: what does that mean? Carrie enquired.

Oh, it’s a Scots word which means ‘twisted’.

Anyway, The First Minister would probably seize the stone

so she could have the right to address The Council- a bit like

Ralph and Jack with the conch in ‘Lord of the Flies’.

She probably already has The Stone of Scone.  Some say it was her

lot who originally nicked it.  Affected by The Dark Side, she will probably

become Queen of the Empire.

Well, they could stuff themselves with all the Mars Bars they wished,

quipped Carrie. Deep-fried, or otherwise.  Or they could just go to Isis

Headquarters instead.

I think you mean ISS- The International Space Station, Brassie corrected

her.  It’s a common mistake.

Whatever.  Carrie was a little embarrassed by her faux pas.  But The

First Minister could do her Battle Meditation there and utilise her Jedi

skills of diverting the miasma of debating fog.  One must admit that she

sees things clearly and rarely misses a target with her blaster.

Oh, she is good at some things, conceded Brassie.  Messianic things.

That’s why she could share Leia’s nickname: Mal’arg’osh.

Meaning?

‘Daughter of the Saviour.’

What happened to Princess Leia at the end of the saga?

She died, was resurrected, but then re-located thousands of years

back in time.  A similar retrospective transportation might be fitting

for the Braveheart squad.  They love anachronism.

And what will be the final word on the one who groomed Sturgeon for office?

Brassie thought for a moment.  Let me quote Yoda:

‘Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan Kenobi has.  How embarrassing.’

National Characteristics

Tags

%0 things the English Do Well, A228, AA, Alan Bennett, Auto magazines, Beeb, Boudicca, Cold War, Galileo system, Isis, ISS, Martha Kearney, personalised number plates, Route Planners, Satnav, sausage rolls, Teacher Training college

 

I do hope that warden hasn’t written us a ticket, sighed Dru,

after they had called the AA.

He wouldn’t have been able to, if he was still carrying the

remains of the urn, Gus pointed out.  And I doubt he’d be able

to remember the numberplate.

I don’t know.  Short term memory is supposed to handle seven,

plus or minus two items, unless you treat each item as a file

for further storage, but recall is affected by the length of delay.

I can’t remember who said that, but we did it at Teacher

Training college.  I’ve forgotten most of what we supposedly

learned there.

Just as well we weren’t in Boudicca, Gus remarked.  (He didn’t

want to stray onto the topic of teacher training, since he hadn’t

had any.  He had learned all he knew in the field- usually the

cricket variety.)

Yeah, your personalised numberplate is pretty memorable, but

it draws too much attention to itself…and to your somewhat

erratic driving, if you don’t mind me saying.

He did.  She’d said it nevertheless.

It was a leaving present from the boys when I stood down

from being Deputy Head.  I treasure it.

Hmm, well, I don’t suppose anyone else was fighting over

SNO D1 in those Auto magazines… I shouldn’t have driven

on that tyre.  I’ll probably have ruined the wheel.  Oh,

where is that AA guy, or person?!  I should have said

that I was a vulnerable woman with an elderly father…

…and an infinitesimal percentage of a recently deceased

relative, added Gus, dryly.

Their Satnav probably doesn’t work as this lane is too small

to show up from Outer Space.  Or maybe since the US military

are jumpy at the moment, they have switched off the satellite

signals.

Dru’s science was somewhat vague.

There was something on the news about astronauts laying

cables on Isis.

ISS, corrected Snod.  International Space Station.   No, your

position can be traced to an area within 15 metres. The system

was developed so they could hit a target with a ballistic missile.

However, just because these gadgets can tell you where you are,

it doesn’t mean that you know where you are going.  Intelligence

comes into it too.

He started to hum, I know where I’m going and I know who’s

going with me, rather annoyingly.

Do you think people in the AA are intelligent?  Dru wondered.

The person who took the call had never heard of this lane, though

I kept saying that we were just off the A228.  Without an

Ordnance Survey reference they didn’t seem to be able to cope.

A thought suddenly came to her.  What if the military scrambles

the signal to confuse Putin’s jets as they fly over our coast?

Maybe we will all have to revert to A-Z Route Planners  if

there is another Cold War.

Gus looked at his watch.  It was getting late.  He regretted

having eaten the trifle earlier.  And what he would have given

for one of those sausage rolls.

Wretched, greedy old codger who demolished more than his

fair share at the wake!

He wasn’t referring to himself, but, as is usual in

these ethical matters, it was a case of the pot calling

the kettle black.  Snod’s blind spot was not reserved to

any vehicle that he drove, but was a personal feature-

one which Alan Bennett had only commented on recently,

as a national characteristic.

Poor old Martha Kearney hadn’t expected a National

Treasure to nominate ‘hypocrisy‘ as being one of a list of

fifty things the English do well.  Maybe if the Beeb had

given Bennett a couple of nice sausage rolls before the

interview, he’d have been kinder and less crotchety.

After all, his dad had been a butcher, so he probably

retained a penchant for them. Cutbacks are responsible

for a lot of negativity, especially in the elderly…

Gus just hoped that he and Dru were not sitting in the

biggest blind spot, or black hole in Britain.

But mercifully a yellow van homed in on them.  Maybe that

new Galileo system had kicked in.

That’ll show those Ruskies, he thought.  What we excel in is

technology!

A long-legged blonde in uniform emerged from the van,

carrying a toolkit:

So, what is problem? she said, huskily.  I’ve driven practically

to Vladivostock to find you. 

Ah, puncture is simples!