Conscious Uncoupling

Tags

a posteriori, Coldplay, conscious uncoupling, Dr Habib Sadeghi, Dr Shahizad Sami, Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow, Lent, Love and Weight Loss, New Age, poodle moth

We haven’t had conscious coupling for some time, sighed Carrie.  Gyles

is so busy.  And I don’t want to know about teenagers’ unconscious coupling

either.  She sipped at her latte.

She was reading The Mail Online from her tablet in Costamuchamoulah must-

seen cafe where there is a WiFi connection.

I am always warning her that her bank details might be exposed in using

public sites for her iPad obsession, but she is reckless.

So this latest Paltrow phrase is a trendy euphemism for divorce? I queried.

Maybe their foreplay was all Coldplay.  I was proud of knowing the name of

Gwynnie’s ex’s band, for some reason.

It’s a load of Goop, Carrie replied.

Goop?

Oh, some site where Gwynnie’s gurus post New Age Lifestyle Advice.  In

relationships, people apparently play teacher and pupil.

Sounds a bit kinky, I commented.  You’d have thought it might have spiced

up their marriage.  Maybe she should have bought a gymnslip.  Or is that

non-PC nowadays?

Carrie scrolled down.  Every irritation and row is a trigger which flags up a

need to examine one’s psyche to locate negativity that requires healing.

Who are these people? I asked.

Dr Habib Sadeghi and his spouse, Dr Shahizad Sami.  They state that humans

are not wired to be with one person for decades.

I could have told them that, I said, munching on an almond croissant.  But

better the devil you know and all that..

**********************************************************

Virginia Fisher-Giles was reading The Mail in her brief break.  She recognised

this ‘Goop‘ argument a posteriori– to wit, that people in relationships begin to

smell less fragrant to each other after a while and the emotional protection of

the equivalent of a vinaigrette in plaguish times becomes a vital vade mecum.

What is all this about relationships between the sexes being like that

of a teacher and pupil? she pondered, while taking a tray into the study of

Augustus Snodbury (Acting Head).  She had only put a single biscuit on

his plate, as this 50% reduction was supposed to be Snod’s self-denial

for Lent.  No doubt there would be a Bourbon Restoration later in the year,

as there had been in 1814.

Please don’t put that on top of these reports, snapped Snod.

She slipped out silently.  Actually, one Bourbon down was a strategy for

weight control, she thought, and it was in line with Dr Sadeghi’s Within:

A Spiritual Awakening to Love and Weight Loss, mentioned, or promoted in

the article.  All you had to do was release your weight.  She wondered

where it all ended up.  Maybe injected into some media type’s butt.

But this newly-displayed moodiness meant that her honeymoon period of

infatuation had run its course. Something had all too short a day, she thought,

and it wasn’t summer.  She was experiencing a seven year itch and she had

not even married him, let alone been out for a date.  So much for teacher/

pupil relationships.  She could teach the old boy a thing or two.

A boomerang of a thought hit her with some force, provoking a suppressed

notion about males to emerge, blinking into the light.  She suddenly saw that

she was acting out a role that she had outgrown.  She was going to crush

any sense of personal injury.

She returned to the report.  It said that any ‘peeve‘-curiously colloquial, but

then it was reported in The Mail, was only evidence of an older emotional scar,

and she knew what that was all about, but she wasn’t about to open up old

wounds.

It was just as well that she had presence of mind and skills that were so

essential for a School Secretary.  They were evidence of her spiritual

evolution, naturally.

Suddenly the image of that squashed Venezuelan poodle moth came to mind.

It was an entomological symbol of the insignificance of her boss and his

retarded development, surely?

The bell rang.  She had to get on with sorting out parental envelopes, but at

lunch break she would read the rest of the article about insects and human

emotional development, according to Goop.

You Know You Want It

Tags

acai berries, baobab, bee pollen, Brabantia, Cadbury's Creme egg, Calgary Avansino, Castor and Pollux, chia seeds, Chris Martin, Coldplay, Emma by Jane Austen, flax seeds, Gwyneth Paltrow, Innocent Smoothie, lacuma, maca powder, macrobiotic, no carbs, quinoa, Tesco Express, Vogue editor

Try these, boys.

Twins, Castor and Pollux turned their noses up at Brassica’s latest smoothie,

made with frozen kale, chia seeds, bee pollen and baobab powder.

No thanks, Mum.

Not hungry.

But I’ve made them specially for you.  Try them with some quinoa toast with

almond butter.

Give it a rest, Mum.

Don’t be cheeky.  It’s what Calgary Avansino gives her kids.

Who?

The well-being editor of Vogue.  She doesn’t believe in carbs and junk

food.

Is that the person who gave you the idea of putting flax seeds in our

packed lunches? groaned Castor.

She probably persuades her followers to make their family eat locusts

and wild honey, joked Pollux.

It’s all the fault of that actress, Gwyneth Paltrow, added Castor.

Yeah, she even called her kid Apple, continued Pollux.  I bet she put her on

a core curriculum.

Enough, boys, Brassie intervened.  I went to a lot of trouble to source the

maca and lacuma powders; the freeze-dried acai berries and so forth.

I bet you didn’t find them in Tesco Express, quipped Castor.

Maybe, acknowledged Brassie, but if we were to alter our eating behaviour,

they’d have to stock up on these healthier ingredients, wouldn’t they?

Wouldn’t they what? asked Cosmo, entering the kitchen from the garden

observatory.

Dad! Try one of these! chorused the twins.

Emmm, I’ve just had a coffee.  But thanks, guys.  He looked at the glass

goblets with evident aversion as he bent down to place a small ball of coloured

foil in the Brabantia bin, as surreptitiously as he could.

Cosmo! shrieked Brassie.

She opened the lid and triumphantly picked the sphere out of the bin.

You are setting a very bad example. (She recognised the colours of a

Cadbury’s Creme Egg wrapper.)  What’s the point of Gwyneth, Calgary

and myself trying to improve our family’s health if we are continually being

undermined?

I only ate one, Cosmo admitted sheepishly.

Castor and Pollux ran excitedly in the direction of the observatory.

Egg hunt! they whooped.

Brassie knew that she was defeated on this occasion.  She sipped one of the

smoothies and then poured it into the food waste bin outside the kitchen door.

I bet Chris Martin of Coldplay doesn’t negate everything that Gwyneth is trying

to achieve macrobiotically, she sniffed.  Mind you, he was photographed

munching crisps recently. You are all the same.

Oh, let’s face it, she’d have been a better Emma if she had experienced a bit

more ambivalence in her own life. Cosmo, in one brief film critique had uttered

a damnatio memoriae while peeling a chocolate ovum behind his back.

He passed the naked temptation in front of her, tantalisingly.

As she opened her mouth to protest, he popped it in dexterously.

Go on, he laughed. You know you want it.

Gmmmumph! chomped Brassie.

And it was markedly more enjoyable than the smoothies, she had

to admit. Today the press had suggested that the Innocent varieties

of vital one of “five-a-days” were not all that they professed.

So, maybe moderation was a better idea. She had forgotten how

satisfying sinning could be.  She felt positively -?-happy!

They weren’t very big after all.