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Candia Comes Clean

~ Candid cultural comments from the Isles of Wonder

Tag Archives: Duchy biscuits

‘Ale n’ ‘Arty

18 Saturday May 2013

Posted by Candia in Humour, News, Politics, Suttonford, Writing

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Tags

anacondas, Duchess of Cornwall, Duchy biscuits, Farage, Morris Dancers, Oaten biscuits, quantitative easing, real ale, Stem Ginger and Dark Chocolate biscuits, The UK Vineyards Association, UKIP

It was Suttonford’s Big Day on the calendar: the annual ‘Ale n’ ‘Arty Festival.

Shopkeepers in the town had been checking the weather forecast for over a

week and potential stall-holders had been trying to determine if they could

recoup the fees for their stands, by studying past records of footfall and

meteorological patterns.

A celebrity chef had been booked to demonstrate some recipes for recession

and Suttonford Morris Men had been bleaching their hankies and checking the

clappers on their bells.  Their wives were keeping their fingers crossed, as well

as their ankles, and were hoping for fine weekend weather.  They were always

pleased to have their domestic space to themselves.

Gary, the modern equivalent of a Town Crier, had remembered his lesson from

the previous year and had set the volume of his megaphone to a kinder level.

He would be commenting on the relative merits of real ales, such as Crushed

Badger and Roadkill and Hop It!  Hopefully, he would have the chance to sink a

few samples.  He firkin well hoped so.

There was even going to be a stall featuring wine from a local vineyard.  The

grapes which were pressed were a variety based on Rot ‘Em Pinot, a vine

whose leaves sported white hairs, making it entirely in keeping with the more

mature population of Suttonford and environs.  Wine historians had linked its

introduction to the South of England to Roman deserters who had planted

stock on the sunnier slopes of Wintoncester, before rolling down them.

Duchess of Cornwall 2012.JPG

The Duchess of Cornwall, in her capacity as President of the UK Vineyards

Association, had declined an offer to open the festival, but she had sent a

hamper of Duchy products as a donation towards the town’s adopted local

charity: Anacondas in Adversity! 

Duchyoriginalslogo.png

Gary peeked through the wicker.  He didn’t think that anacondas would

particularly appreciate oaten biscuits.  But what was he to know, compared to

globally itinerant Royals?  Frankly, if he were to be transformed into a

reptile-and many people, including his spouse, thought that he was well on

his way in the metamorphic process-he was certain that he would opt for the

Stem Ginger and Dark Chocolate variety.  Oaten hadn’t done so well in this

region recently.

At least the anacondas wouldn’t be expected to pay in excess of £7 a box for

the luxury.  He wasn’t sure how their currency compared to the euro. He hoped

it was holding up and that they hadn’t had to resort to quantitative easing.

They were  evidently suffering enough.  He surmised that they must be in crisis

if they were the focus of the town’s support.

Gary raised a finger to check the wind direction and he thought that he could

detect a spot of rain.  The Morris Dancers were supposed to welcome Spring,

but they seemed to have missed the boat somewhere along the line.

He noticed a stall which seemed to be selling nothing but umbrellas with the

UKIP logo.  They seemed to have been discounted by the proprietor, who told

Gary that he thought they would have sold well a few days ago, when he was

at a fair just south of Edinburgh.  There had been a constant deluge, but it had

not been of a precipitation nature, but had rather been characterised as being

a torrent of anti-Farage abuse and now he was left with the entire batch,

which he was hoping to shift.  Gary was somewhat dubious about his optimism.

UKIP Golf Umbrella

He was pretty certain that even an anaconda wouldn’t be seen dead under

that umbrella.

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My name is Candia. Its initial consonant alliterates with “cow” and there are connotations with the adjective “candid.” I started writing this blog in the summer of 2012 and focused on satire at the start.

Interspersed was ironic news comment, reviews and poetry.

Over the years I have won some international poetry competitions and have published in reputable small presses, as well as reviewing and reading alongside well- established poets. I wrote under my own name then, but Candia has taken me over as an online persona. Having brought out a serious anthology last year called 'Its Own Place' which features poetry of an epiphanal nature, I was able to take part in an Arts and Spirituality series of lectures in Winchester in 2016.

Lately I have been experimenting with boussekusekeika, sestinas, rhyme royale, villanelles and other forms. I am exploring Japanese themes at the moment, my interest having been re-ignited by the recent re-evaluations of Hokusai.

Thank you to all my committed followers whose loyalty has encouraged me to keep writing. It has been exciting to meet some of you in the flesh- in venues as far flung as Melbourne and Sydney!

Copyright Notice

© Candia Dixon Stuart and Candiacomesclean.wordpress.com, 2012-2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Candia Dixon Stuart and candiacomesclean.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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