anachronism, Clone Troops, First Minister, Galashiels, Isis, ISS, Jedi, Labour Party, Lord of the Flies, Lucasfilm, Mal'arg'osh, Mars Bars, Mars Mission, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Princess Leia, Rebel Alliance, Rogue One, Salmond, Sarah Brightman, The Dark Side, thrawn, Thrawn Crisis, Yoda
The Labour Party members are all but extinct; the Old Country is in
turmoil and there is a dark threat hanging over us all, remarked
Brassie, as she read The Daily Mail in Costamuchamoulah must-
Sounds like the plot of the new Lucasfilm, commented Carrie.
A band of Resistance Fighters unite for a daring mission to
inflict independence. They want to avoid imperial
entanglements… Brassie looked up. You’re right. All we
need now is the return of Only-Wan Kebabi, the slimline version
of the original mentor, or Only-Wan Cannelloni as he is known in
some parts of ethnically diverse Glasgow.
The parts with the Art Deco ice cream parlours? Carrie asked.
You got it! Then the locals would indubitably realise that the gods
were not coming to save them.
Brassie thought for a moment. Hmmm…the erstwhile leader never
used to answer the questions. In some subcultures, ‘Obi-Wan Kenobi’
means: ‘Your question doesn’t make sense.’ In Salmond’s case, it was his
answers that were the problem.
One thing that you learn in politics is that the Clone Troops usually
turn on their Jedi generals, observed Carrie.
We can only hope, agreed Brassie. Mind you, I think the new leader
is more like Princess Leia.
Well, Leia was an accomplished senator during the civil war and
a proponent of The Rebel Alliance and was instrumental in the
creation of a New Republic.
I see what you mean. She was a bit of a tomboy, but then she
got a makeover. In the same way, it seems that the wee battler
has been called ‘Swanky Kranky’ now.
Wasn’t Leia a bit of a prankster? I don’t know if Nicola has a
sense of humour.
Yes, Leia destroyed the budget for the following year, Brassie
grimaced. But at least she did disapprove of expensive parties
being held while the poor were suffering in Galashiels… I mean,
The Galaxy. She did attend receptions for offworld personnel,
Some critics felt threatened by her, but others viewed her as
being pathetically idealistic, Carrie recalled.
Yes, she was nicknamed ‘Madam Senator’ or ‘Little Miss
How very similar! Didn’t she want to find a new location for the
Brassie had a brainwave. You know, I don’t see why the SNP
don’t go on that Mars Mission, on a one-way ticket, with the
likes of Sarah Brightman. It’s a Red Planet, so they should feel
quite at home there. They could confine their Thrawn Crisis to
their own planet.
‘Thrawn’: what does that mean? Carrie enquired.
Oh, it’s a Scots word which means ‘twisted’.
Anyway, The First Minister would probably seize the stone
so she could have the right to address The Council- a bit like
Ralph and Jack with the conch in ‘Lord of the Flies’.
She probably already has The Stone of Scone. Some say it was her
lot who originally nicked it. Affected by The Dark Side, she will probably
become Queen of the Empire.
Well, they could stuff themselves with all the Mars Bars they wished,
quipped Carrie. Deep-fried, or otherwise. Or they could just go to Isis
I think you mean ISS- The International Space Station, Brassie corrected
her. It’s a common mistake.
Whatever. Carrie was a little embarrassed by her faux pas. But The
First Minister could do her Battle Meditation there and utilise her Jedi
skills of diverting the miasma of debating fog. One must admit that she
sees things clearly and rarely misses a target with her blaster.
Oh, she is good at some things, conceded Brassie. Messianic things.
That’s why she could share Leia’s nickname: Mal’arg’osh.
‘Daughter of the Saviour.’
What happened to Princess Leia at the end of the saga?
She died, was resurrected, but then re-located thousands of years
back in time. A similar retrospective transportation might be fitting
for the Braveheart squad. They love anachronism.
And what will be the final word on the one who groomed Sturgeon for office?
Brassie thought for a moment. Let me quote Yoda:
‘Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan Kenobi has. How embarrassing.’