Apocalypse, armouredcockroach, Arne Dahl, Arto Soderstedt, Bear Grylls, bivvy bag, bug in, bug out, dehydrated snacks, Elastoplast, Enid Blyton, Fatty, hallowe'en, kirby grip, mushroom cloud, non-PC, parador, preppers, rhetorical questions, Sawyer Water filter, sizeism, The Secret Seven, zombies
(Bear Grylls photo by jamiegrayphotography.co.uk)
Augustus looked at his ex-lover, Diana Fotheringay-Syylk
and raised an eyebrow.
He then glanced towards his current enamorata, Virginia
Fisher-Gyles and she shrugged.
Murgatroyd was prevaricating as usual. They were all ready
to go out for a walk and he was fussing around with some
man bag, or other.
Surely you don’t need that? Gus was good at rhetorical questions.
He very rarely had the opportunity to use them in teaching as they
were open, rather than closed questions. He quite liked the control
they gave him, if delivered with heavy irony, but he had been
advised at his appraisal that sarcasm was out of fashion in current
classrooms. What a pity.
I won’t be a moment. I just have to fit the Sawyer water filter in-
But we’re going to the pub eventually. We won’t need water, Virginia
pointed out, sanely.
You can’t tell him, groaned Diana. But I draw the line at taking the
one man tent. It is big enough for both of us, but, even in a
nuclear incident, I wouldn’t want to be so close to him!
Oh, bug off! Murgatroyd was becoming irritable, as he felt they were
laughing at his expense.
Diana was starting to enjoy teasing him when the others were giving
her moral support. I don’t think there are too many zombies around
here, darling. Just some SNPs.
Zombies? It’s not Hallowe’en yet, Virginia commented, perhaps too
freely, considering she was addressing her host.
No, zombies who would steal your supplies while you were bugged in-
before you bugged out after the mushroom cloud, replied Diana, who
knew the lingo. Or after we’ve been forced to leave the Union.
I don’t fancy these dehydrated snack things you’ve got in there, said
Snod. I thought we were going to have a pie and a pint.
Murgatroyd knew he was dealing with unbelievers and not his fellow
Hang on! Snod said suddenly. Maybe you could take the mosquito net
with us. I bags it if we encounter a cloud of midges.
Don’t unwrap it! shouted Murgatroyd. It took me ages to roll it up and
fit it in to my bivvy bag.
I used to read ‘The Secret Seven’ when I was a kid, reminisced Virginia.
Fatty advised everyone to have an emergency tin with a piece of string, a
safety pin, a folded up piece of paper, a kirby grip, an Elastoplast and a
coin for the phone.
What was the kirby grip for? asked Diana, while Murgatroyd struggled
to put on his boots. His back was still bothering him after all the scything
he had done.
Well, it worked in conjunction with the paper. You see, if someone locked
you into a room while you were doing your detective work, you could put
the paper under the door and knock the key out from the other side and
slide it towards you and, hey presto! explained Virginia.
I bet Arto Soderstedt hasn’t thought of that one! laughed Diana.
Enid Blyton meets Arne Dahl, guffawed Snod. Oh, come on! It’s
going to rain and you haven’t got a brolly in there, have you?
Just leave it! Diana ordered. If you hurry up we will get a table
and if you are very good you can let them watch armouredcockroach
on Youtube this afternoon, for some light entertainment before
supper. Come on, Bear.
You know, it’s a bit odd. Dru hasn’t been in touch since they went
to the parador, remarked Virginia, who carried a mobile phone in her
handbag, like a good PA and considered that her main piece of kit
for any emergency, or unforeseen event. I hope they are okay.
Well, I don’t think there has been an Apocalypse in Spain, or we’d
have heard about it, sighed Diana. It’s more likely that Murgatroyd has
had his phone blocker switched on. He’s very anti-government, aren’t
you, darling? Anyway, it serves him right as he blocked an e-mail from
the pub about their two- pies- for- one offer. Shame. Personally, I feel
you have to trust the zombies sometimes.
Two pies for the price of one?! Snod was intrigued and enthusiastic.
Come on, Fatty, Virginia quipped, linking arms, but Diana thought she
might be going too far towards sizeism and the non PC.
Delta NC Wikipaedia