Poetic ordinance regarding the Fishing Guidelines for
harvesting of certain shellfish in Guernsey and, for all I
know Sark too!
Haliotis tuberculata (not a nice name!)
Photo by Hans Hillewaert, Creative Commons attrib.
You must not collect
ormers, except on days of
the Full, or New Moon
and two others between
January 1st and
April the 30th.
This is a mere guide.
Please contact Sea Fisheries
for further information.
Don’t take the small ones.
In your possession you may
have cooked, pickled ones,
but eschew the deep frozen
and don’t cull while snorkelling.
If submerged partially,
it’s still a no-no.
The onus of proof is yours
to show innocence.
If you’re dining on a boat,
you’ll have to prove that
you didn’t dive for ormers.
(What the heck is an ormer?)
Anyway, don’t shuck them.
As for exporting –
except the cultivated –
only with permission
from Sea Fisheries!
Don’t even think about it.
That goes for importing too.
Please return the rocks
to their original sites.
Move crabs aside and
don’t stamp on fragile creatures.
Don’t frighten roosting
birds at Lihou, or Lissroy.
Park where you’re told
and take your rubbish with you.
Beware of the incoming
tides. Don’t get stranded.
Do not degrade habitats;
Apart from that, try to have
a relaxing holiday!
The lawyer asked Him: Who is my neighbour?
He said, I’ll offer moral assistance.
Nowadays you’re out at work and ignore
those who live opposite, or alongside.
One day you spot someone in a bad state,
lying in their drive, but you’re in a rush.
I’m late to pick the kids up, so must rush.
It’s bound to be dealt with by a neighbour,
so I’ll spring into my Audi estate.
That nosy woman will give assistance –
the one who draws her curtains to one side.
A chance for do-gooding, she won’t ignore.
I should ring up the police, but just ignore
those dodgy callers, who seemed in a rush
and annoyed me by parking on my side:
too many visitors for one neighbour!
They doubtless gave him hefty assistance
with his mortgage. (He comes from a rogue state.)
You’ve claimed you’re public-spirited, but state
your character through your actions; ignore
the twitching corpse in his drive. Assistance!
Who helped to dig you out when in a rush?
It was the man from the AA. Neighbour?
Getting involved can just be suicide.
And, if I go over and kneel beside
this loser; feel his pulse, what kind of state
will my Chinos end up in? This ‘neighbour’
could contaminate me; I should ignore
his plight. A family man’s in no rush
to inhale nerve agents. Police assistance –
or, perhaps paramedic assistance…
they’ll have Hazmats and antidotes beside.
Where angels fear to tread they’re known to rush.
Samaritans don’t live on this estate!
So, walk on by is what you’ll do; ignore
the parlous condition of your neighbour?
Rush to his side? No, not for one’s neighbour.
To ignore the perils of assistance
is for citizens of another state.
… an advertising endorsement on a cardboard tag attached to
a pair of new socks which someone I knew found in a desk drawer
in their new office (or should I have called it ‘brown study’)!
The next incumbent found them at the back
of a desk drawer: unopened; kept in case.
The trite endorsement on the cardboard pack
guaranteed every woman would chase
the sporter of these elasticated
brown socks. So, why had they never been worn?
Maybe his blonde secretary hated
being recumbent if he kept them on;
maybe his wife bought him deodorised
versions; perhaps he required more support,
especially if said spouse had surmised
why he was late every night; caught short.
He had had to vacate his office and
forgot these. Brown was the colour of it,
she’d thought. We always try to understand
and bless their cotton socks that never fit.
And their over-stretched imagination
envisages that we’ll believe all lies.
Now The New Boss, with anticipation,
severs the link and finds they are One-Size.
Based on The Pillow Book, but in poetic form!
When the Iyo blind
is released with a rattle;
not lifting a door
before giving it a push,
thus making a noise;
twits who butt in: it is just
Irritating men who leave
the toilet seat up, or who
man-spread, or mansplain;
those who are selfie-obsessed,
or angst about their butt size.
Smiley’s People (Where?)
The Keen Fundamentalist
The Shipyard (Closed)
Seize A Loan O’ The Day
Some Are Canned
The People’s Palace Walk
Miss Smilla’s Falling In Snow
Memoirs of a Poisoned Dwarf
Spring Flowers, Spring Frost (typical)
Pictures from a Young Offenders Institution
The Tartan Steppe
The Right Skunner
Dune (The Wattur)
All Quiet on Great Western Road
By The Central Station I Sat Down And Wept
The Cruel ‘See You, Jimmy!’
The Sydney Deviners
Zombie and Son
The Fall of The House of Fraser
Frost in June
You’re Going Down, Moses
England made Me Angry
The Heart of the Nutter
Hello Summer; Goodbye Summer
The Hunchback of Notre Dame College
Last of the McMeechans
The Man of Stolen Property
The Bastard of Bannatyne
None but Scotland the Brave
I Go to Bed at Noon
Black Puddin’heid Wilson
The Sun Sometimes Rises
The Passion of Hogmanay
Some Prefer Thistles
As if I’m No A’ There
The Emigration of The Native
These are a little more obscure, but I based
them on a list of 1,000 recommended texts!
Perhaps you have to be Scottish and literate to
get some of these… rara avis? No’ really! We
are quite strong on World literature. Think RL Stevenson,
Walter Scott, James Kelman etc
My brother challenged me to come up with a list. He
Tae Kiss a Mockit’ Bird and You, Missus.
Sibling rivalry strikes:
Arms and the Wee Man (plays allowed)
The Duchess o’ Malkie
Midsummer’s A Dream
A Streetcar Named Blantyre
View from The Erskine Bridge
Six Characters in Search O’an Off-Licence
Laird of the Pies
Crime and Nae Punishment
Ma Damn Ovary
The Grapes o’ Carnwath
Nae Remembrance o’ Things Past
101 Pit Bulls
Anne o’ Green Gorbals
Rilla o’ Kelvinside
The Wind in the Willow Tearooms
Three Hard Men in a Boat
Done for Possession
High Wind in Jamaica Street
Oranges WERE the only Fruit
P****shed Family Robinson
Aye, whit Beloved Country?
F**** off, Pendulum
The Life of Pie
The Heartlessness of Midlothian
Bender is the Night
One Threw Up in the Cuckoo’s Nest
North Anger Abbey
Alice in Poundland
Alice Put through the Looking Glass
And Quietly Flows The Clyde
A Man fur Wan Season
The Bonfire o’ Profanities
Just so ye know stories
Grand Master Goes Commando
The Redundant Rainmaker
… all copyright!!