Category Archives: Satire

Guernsey Guidelines

06 Friday Apr 2018

Posted by in Animals, Crime, Environment, Humour, Nature, Poetry, Satire, Social Comment, Writing

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Poetic ordinance regarding the Fishing Guidelines for

harvesting of certain shellfish in Guernsey and, for all I

know Sark too!

 

Haliotis tuberculata (not a nice name!)

Photo by Hans Hillewaert, Creative Commons attrib.

 

You must not collect

ormers, except on days of

the Full, or New Moon

and two others between

January 1st and

April the 30th.

 

This is a mere guide.

Please contact Sea Fisheries

for further information.

Don’t take the small ones.

In your possession you may

have cooked, pickled ones,

but eschew the deep frozen

and don’t cull while snorkelling.

 

If submerged partially,

it’s still a no-no.

The onus of proof is yours

to show innocence.

If you’re dining on a boat,

you’ll have to prove that

you didn’t dive for ormers.

(What the heck is an ormer?)

Anyway, don’t shuck them.

As for exporting –

except the cultivated –

only with permission

from Sea Fisheries!

Don’t even think about it.

That goes for importing too.

 

Please return the rocks

to their original sites.

Move crabs aside and

don’t stamp on fragile creatures.

Don’t frighten roosting

birds at Lihou, or Lissroy.

 

Park where you’re told

and take your rubbish with you.

Beware of the incoming

tides.  Don’t get stranded.

Do not degrade habitats;

minimise impact.

Apart from that, try to have

a relaxing holiday!

Neighbourliness Sestina

09 Friday Mar 2018

Posted by in Community, Crime, Education, News, Poetry, Psychology, Relationships, Religion, Satire, Social Comment, Writing

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The lawyer asked Him: Who is my neighbour?

He said, I’ll offer moral assistance.

Nowadays you’re out at work and ignore

those who live opposite, or alongside.

One day you spot someone in a bad state,

lying in their drive, but you’re in a rush.

 

Lawyer:

I’m late to pick the kids up, so must rush.

It’s bound to be dealt with by a neighbour,

so I’ll spring into my Audi estate.

That nosy woman will give assistance –

the one who draws her curtains to one side.

A chance for do-gooding, she won’t ignore.

 

I should ring up the police, but just ignore

those dodgy callers, who seemed in a rush

and annoyed me by parking on my side:

too many visitors for one neighbour!

They doubtless gave him hefty assistance

with his mortgage.  (He comes from a rogue state.)

 

Him:

You’ve claimed you’re public-spirited, but state

your character through your actions; ignore

the twitching corpse in his drive.  Assistance!

Who helped to dig you out when in a rush?

Lawyer:

It was the man from the AA.  Neighbour?

Getting involved can just be suicide.

 

And, if I go over and kneel beside

this loser; feel his pulse, what kind of state

will my Chinos end up in?  This ‘neighbour’

could contaminate me; I should ignore

his plight. A family man’s in no rush

to inhale nerve agents.  Police assistance –

 

or, perhaps paramedic assistance…

they’ll have Hazmats and antidotes beside.

Where angels fear to tread they’re known to rush.

Samaritans don’t live on this estate!

Him:

So, walk on by is what you’ll do; ignore

the parlous condition of your neighbour?

 

Lawyer:

Rush to his side?  No, not for one’s neighbour.

To ignore the perils of assistance

is for citizens of another state.