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Candia Comes Clean

~ Candid cultural comments from the Isles of Wonder

Category Archives: Satire

Six Clerihews of the Moment

03 Thursday Feb 2022

Posted by Candia in Celebrities, Humour, News, Poetry, Politics, Satire, Social Comment, Writing

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Tags

Angela Rayner, Boris Johnson, clerihew, House of Commons, Keir Starmer, Lynne Truss, Pm's Question Time, Rishi Sunak, Satire

Lynne Truss,

What an embarrassing fuss!

She confused the Baltic and Black Sea.

Does she have Geography GCSE?

Boris Johnson, PM,

from whom the Tory Party and the country’s troubles stem,

knows all about ‘tragic miscalculation[s]’

and is woefully inept at international relations.

Angela Rayner,

lover of the biker boot and trainer,

called the Conservatives ‘scum.’

Maybe, some think, she wasn’t quite so dumb?

Keir Starmer,

we’d be misled if we called him a charmer-

inadvertently, or not, the Scots crofter was hot.

His principled stand eclipsed the whole lot.*

(in some people’s opinion)

Jacob Rees-Mogg,

Princeling of Pettifog?

Is that a silver spoon in the pocket of your pantaloon,

or are you pleased to see us, that you may bestow a boon?

Rishi Sunak.

is giving us £200 back.

‘Now, don’t bite the hand that feeds you,’ he may say.

No, we’ll leave that till the Election Day.

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Pointless Things

23 Sunday May 2021

Posted by Candia in Fashion, Humour, Literature, Personal, Poetry, Psychology, Satire, Social Comment, Writing

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concrete operational, fascinators, list poem, pet hates, Pillow Book, Sei Shonagon, trout pout

I think I wrote this poem based on an entry in The Pillow Book of Sei Shonagon,

which was a list of ugly things. I tried to bring it up to date with pet hates of the

20th and 21st century.

Juxtaposing hair

which is unkempt with fine clothes;

a fascinator

on a helmet-like mullet;

hand-made paper spoiled

by spidery handwriting;

low-cut brides kneeling

in front of praying vicars;

presenting logic to the

concrete operational,

who try to pretend

that they understand;

a trout-pout selfie taken

by a narcissist – tramp-stamped,

and no Spring chicken either.

 

 

 

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Poem from a Time of Trial

22 Sunday Mar 2020

Posted by Candia in Humour, Literature, Personal, Philosophy, Poetry, Psychology, Religion, Satire, Social Comment

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

atheist, blame game, Kipling, natural consequences, Natural Theology, plague, theology

Natural Theology

by Rudyard Kipling
Primitive
I ate my fill of a whale that died
 And stranded after a month at sea.
 .
 .
 .
There is a pain in my inside.
 Why have the Gods afflicted me?
Ow! I am purged till I am a wraith!
 Wow! I am sick till I cannot see!
What is the sense of Religion and Faith :
 Look how the Gods have afflicted me!


 Pagan

How can the skin of rat or mouse hold
 Anything more than a harmless flea?.
 .
 .
The burning plague has taken my household.
 Why have my Gods afflicted me?
All my kith and kin are deceased,
 Though they were as good as good could be,
I will out and batter the family priest,
 Because my Gods have afflicted me!

Medi/Eval

My privy and well drain into each other
 After the custom of Christendie.
 .
 .
 .
Fevers and fluxes are wasting my mother.
 Why has the Lord afflicted me?
The Saints are helpless for all I offer--
 So are the clergy I used to fee.
Henceforward I keep my cash in my coffer,
 Because the Lord has afflicted me.


 Material

I run eight hundred hens to the acre
 They die by dozens mysteriously.
 .
 .
 .
I am more than doubtful concerning my Maker,
 Why has the Lord afflicted me?
What a return for all my endeavour--
 Not to mention the L.
 S.
 D!
I am an atheist now and for ever,
 Because this God has afflicted me!

Progressive

Money spent on an Army or Fleet
 Is homicidal lunacy.
 .
 .
 .
My son has been killed in the Mons retreat,
 Why is the Lord afflicting me?
Why are murder, pillage and arson
 And rape allowed by the Deity?
I will write to the Times, deriding our parson
 Because my God has afflicted me.


 Chorus

We had a kettle: we let it leak:
 Our not repairing it made it worse.
We haven't had any tea for a week.
 .
 .
 The bottom is out of the Universe!
Conclusion

This was none of the good Lord's pleasure,
 For the Spirit He breathed in Man is free;
But what comes after is measure for measure,
 And not a God that afflicteth thee.
As was the sowing so the reaping
 Is now and evermore shall be.
Thou art delivered to thine own keeping.
 Only Thyself hath afflicted thee!

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Blenheim Broadcast

11 Wednesday Mar 2020

Posted by Candia in art, Humour, Personal, Philosophy, Photography, Religion, Satire

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Blenheim, Divine intervention, existence of God, God, installation art, Michelangelo Pistoletto, theology

blenheim art

Photo by Candia Dixon-Stuart

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Image

Basically, I Have Nothing To Wear

24 Monday Feb 2020

Tags

Blenheim Installation, nothing to wear, Venus

blenheim art 2

Photo and title by Candia

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Posted by Candia | Filed under Architecture, art, Fashion, Humour, Personal, Photography, Satire

≈ 2 Comments

Bribing the Electorate in Pompeii

14 Thursday Nov 2019

Posted by Candia in art, History, Humour, Politics, Satire, Social Comment

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Ashmolean, bribery and corruption, electorate, free lunch, Pompeii

IMG_0049 (2)

No such thing as a free lunch!  Bread for all – in exchange for votes.

Photo by Candia from the Pompeii Exhibition @ The Ashmolean

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Oxford Satire

20 Sunday Oct 2019

Posted by Candia in Celebrities, News, Photography, Politics, Satire, Social Comment

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Boris Johnson, cocaine, pet toys, Satire

boris toy

Seen in Oxford shop window   Photo by Candia

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Penck at The Ashmolean

10 Thursday Oct 2019

Posted by Candia in art, Celebrities, Humour, Personal, Photography, Satire

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Ashmolean, Edinburgh Darkness III, Jonathan Meades, Penck, Waldemar Janusczak

Penck Edinburgh N Darkness III

channeling my inner Jonathan Meades/ Waldemar

The title of this mural is Edinburgh Darkness III.  It’s not dark

enough, so I superimposed my trademark dark glasses.

Photo by The Husband- under strict instruction.

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Sold for Nearly £10 Million

04 Friday Oct 2019

Posted by Candia in Animals, art, Celebrities, Humour, Media, News, Photography, Politics, Satire, Social Comment

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Banksy, Bristol Art Gallery, devolved parliament, record sale price

IMG_0002 (2)
IMG_0001 (3)
IMG_0003 (2)

When I took these photos in April this year in Bristol, I did not

anticipate the painting selling for anything like it did!

Great fun, though.

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Don’t come out, Mr Cameron!

28 Sunday Jul 2019

Posted by Candia in Crime, Humour, Nature, Nostalgia, Photography, Politics, Satire, Social Comment, Summer

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Brexit, Conservative Prime Ministers, Cotswolds, David Cameron, Referendum, shepherd's hut, writer's retreat

IMG_0297 (3)

… all is not forgiven.

Photo by Candia Dixon-Stuart. All Rights Reserved

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← Older posts

My name is Candia. Its initial consonant alliterates with “cow” and there are connotations with the adjective “candid.” I started writing this blog in the summer of 2012 and focused on satire at the start.

Interspersed was ironic news comment, reviews and poetry.

Over the years I have won some international poetry competitions and have published in reputable small presses, as well as reviewing and reading alongside well- established poets. I wrote under my own name then, but Candia has taken me over as an online persona. Having brought out a serious anthology last year called 'Its Own Place' which features poetry of an epiphanal nature, I was able to take part in an Arts and Spirituality series of lectures in Winchester in 2016.

Lately I have been experimenting with boussekusekeika, sestinas, rhyme royale, villanelles and other forms. I am exploring Japanese themes at the moment, my interest having been re-ignited by the recent re-evaluations of Hokusai.

Thank you to all my committed followers whose loyalty has encouraged me to keep writing. It has been exciting to meet some of you in the flesh- in venues as far flung as Melbourne and Sydney!

Copyright Notice

© Candia Dixon Stuart and Candiacomesclean.wordpress.com, 2012-2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Candia Dixon Stuart and candiacomesclean.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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