Edward Bawden mural, Blackwell’s, Oxford

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Blackwell's, Edward Bawden, mural, Oxford

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Guernsey Guidelines

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Fishing Regulations, Full Moon, Guernsey, haliotis tuberculata, Lihou, Lissroy, New Moon, ormers, Sark, snorkelling

Poetic ordinance regarding the Fishing Guidelines for

harvesting of certain shellfish in Guernsey and, for all I

know Sark too!

 

Haliotis tuberculata (not a nice name!)

Photo by Hans Hillewaert, Creative Commons attrib.

 

You must not collect

ormers, except on days of

the Full, or New Moon

and two others between

January 1st and

April the 30th.

 

This is a mere guide.

Please contact Sea Fisheries

for further information.

Don’t take the small ones.

In your possession you may

have cooked, pickled ones,

but eschew the deep frozen

and don’t cull while snorkelling.

 

If submerged partially,

it’s still a no-no.

The onus of proof is yours

to show innocence.

If you’re dining on a boat,

you’ll have to prove that

you didn’t dive for ormers.

(What the heck is an ormer?)

Anyway, don’t shuck them.

As for exporting –

except the cultivated –

only with permission

from Sea Fisheries!

Don’t even think about it.

That goes for importing too.

 

Please return the rocks

to their original sites.

Move crabs aside and

don’t stamp on fragile creatures.

Don’t frighten roosting

birds at Lihou, or Lissroy.

 

Park where you’re told

and take your rubbish with you.

Beware of the incoming

tides.  Don’t get stranded.

Do not degrade habitats;

minimise impact.

Apart from that, try to have

a relaxing holiday!

Details from Theresa May Collage

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collage, Donald Trump, Robert Rauschenberg, strong and stable, Theresa May

 

Don’t ask me ‘Why?’  No one asked Robert Rauschenberg

that question….  Did they?

Neighbourliness Sestina

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AA, antidote, Audi, Chinos, do-gooding, Hazmat, neighbourliness, nerve agent, rogue state, Samaritan, sestina

The lawyer asked Him: Who is my neighbour?

He said, I’ll offer moral assistance.

Nowadays you’re out at work and ignore

those who live opposite, or alongside.

One day you spot someone in a bad state,

lying in their drive, but you’re in a rush.

 

Lawyer:

I’m late to pick the kids up, so must rush.

It’s bound to be dealt with by a neighbour,

so I’ll spring into my Audi estate.

That nosy woman will give assistance –

the one who draws her curtains to one side.

A chance for do-gooding, she won’t ignore.

 

I should ring up the police, but just ignore

those dodgy callers, who seemed in a rush

and annoyed me by parking on my side:

too many visitors for one neighbour!

They doubtless gave him hefty assistance

with his mortgage.  (He comes from a rogue state.)

 

Him:

You’ve claimed you’re public-spirited, but state

your character through your actions; ignore

the twitching corpse in his drive.  Assistance!

Who helped to dig you out when in a rush?

Lawyer:

It was the man from the AA.  Neighbour?

Getting involved can just be suicide.

 

And, if I go over and kneel beside

this loser; feel his pulse, what kind of state

will my Chinos end up in?  This ‘neighbour’

could contaminate me; I should ignore

his plight. A family man’s in no rush

to inhale nerve agents.  Police assistance –

 

or, perhaps paramedic assistance…

they’ll have Hazmats and antidotes beside.

Where angels fear to tread they’re known to rush.

Samaritans don’t live on this estate!

Him:

So, walk on by is what you’ll do; ignore

the parlous condition of your neighbour?

 

Lawyer:

Rush to his side?  No, not for one’s neighbour.

To ignore the perils of assistance

is for citizens of another state.

Topical artwork

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Man of Sorrows, Mexicans, Mother of Exiles, Statue of Liberty

Provocative artwork?

An Adventure in Support Hosiery

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adultery, support hosiery

… an advertising endorsement on a cardboard tag attached to

a pair of new socks which someone I knew found in a desk drawer

in their new office (or should I have called it ‘brown study’)!

 

The next incumbent found them at the back

of a desk drawer: unopened; kept in case.

The trite endorsement on the cardboard pack

guaranteed every woman would chase

the sporter of these elasticated

brown socks.  So, why had they never been worn?

Maybe his blonde secretary hated

being recumbent if he kept them on;

maybe his wife bought him deodorised

versions; perhaps he required more support,

especially if said spouse had surmised

why he was late every night; caught short.

He had had to vacate his office and

forgot these. Brown was the colour of it,

she’d thought. We always try to understand

and bless their cotton socks that never fit.

And their over-stretched imagination

envisages that we’ll believe all lies.

 

Now The New Boss, with anticipation,

severs the link and finds they are One-Size.

 

A List of Irritating Things

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angst, Iyo blind, mansplaining, manspreading, Pillow Book, selfie

Based on The Pillow Book, but in poetic form!

 

When the Iyo blind

is released with a rattle;

not lifting a door

before giving it a push,

thus making a noise;

twits who butt in: it is just

their self-promotion!

Irritating men who leave

the toilet seat up, or who

man-spread, or mansplain;

those who are selfie-obsessed,

or angst about their butt size.

 

Glaswegian Book titles IV

Tags

Glaswegian, James Kelman, RL Stevenson, Walter Scott

Smiley’s People (Where?)

The Keen Fundamentalist

The Shipyard (Closed)

Seize A Loan O’ The Day

Some Are Canned

Stoned Junction

The People’s Palace Walk

Miss Smilla’s Falling In Snow

Knightswood

Memoirs of a Poisoned Dwarf

Spring Flowers, Spring Frost (typical)

Pictures from a Young Offenders Institution

The Tartan Steppe

The Right Skunner

Dune (The Wattur)

All Quiet on Great Western Road

Oxter Blitz

By The Central Station I Sat Down And Wept

The Cruel ‘See You, Jimmy!’

The Sydney Deviners

Zombie and Son

The Fall of The House of Fraser

Frost in June

You’re Going Down, Moses

England made Me Angry

The Heart of the Nutter

Hello Summer; Goodbye Summer

Hideous Skinnymalinky

The Hunchback of Notre Dame College

Last of the McMeechans

The Man of Stolen Property

Mary Dumbarton

The Bastard of Bannatyne

None but Scotland the Brave

I Go to Bed at Noon

Black Puddin’heid Wilson

The Sun Sometimes Rises

The Passion of Hogmanay

Some Prefer Thistles

As if I’m No A’ There

The Emigration of The Native

 

These are a little more obscure, but I based

them on a list of 1,000 recommended texts!

Perhaps you have to be Scottish and literate to

get some of these… rara avis?  No’ really!  We

are quite strong on World literature.  Think RL Stevenson,

Walter Scott, James Kelman etc

 

 

 

Glaswegian Literary Works

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Glaswegian

My brother challenged me to come up with a list.  He

supplied:

Tae Kiss a Mockit’ Bird  and You, Missus.

Sibling rivalry strikes:

 

Arms and the Wee Man (plays allowed)

The Duchess o’ Malkie

Labour’s Lost

Midsummer’s A Dream

A Streetcar Named Blantyre

View from The Erskine Bridge

Six Characters in Search O’an Off-Licence

Oor Toon

Laird of the Pies

Prejudice

Crime and Nae Punishment

Ma Damn Ovary

Lorna’s Doon

Paralytic Handy

The Grapes o’ Carnwath

Nae Remembrance o’ Things Past

101 Pit Bulls

Cousin Bet-Fred

Anne o’ Green Gorbals

Rilla o’ Kelvinside

The Wind in the Willow Tearooms

Three Hard Men in a Boat

Done for Possession

High Wind in Jamaica Street

Oranges WERE the only Fruit

P****shed Family Robinson

Aye, whit Beloved Country?

F**** off, Pendulum

The Life of Pie

Nae Expectations

The Heartlessness of Midlothian

Bender is the Night

One Threw Up in the Cuckoo’s Nest

North Anger Abbey

The Peril

Alice in Poundland

Alice Put through the Looking Glass

Trainspitting

And Quietly Flows The Clyde

A Man fur Wan Season

The Bonfire o’ Profanities

Wan Scoop

Just so ye know stories

Grand Master Goes Commando

The Redundant Rainmaker

… all copyright!!

 

 

 

WASPI Women Stung by a Gnat

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clerihew, Guy Opperman, mess of pottage, pensions Waspi women

 

(Guy Opperman MP)

 

Mr Opperman,

seems like you’d send out your gran

to shovel up your bull **** in her dotage,

because government denies her a mess of pottage.