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Harry Styles November 2014.jpg

A previous Year’s updated post!

Tristram, having appeared on two television programmes in recent months- ie/

Come Dine With Me and Location, Location, Location, was regarded as a minor

culinary and real estate celebrity and therefore was approached by the local

town charities, to see if he would accept the role of Father Christmas at the

late night shopping evening.  They had asked Harry Styles from One Direction

to be compere, but regrettably he was otherwise engaged.  Clammie had

agreed to be Santa’s fairy as she had an up-to-date DBS check and was one

of the few mums who could pneumatically squeeze into the Tinkerbelle


More grotty than grotto! her rather unkind daughter had remarked.  I

don’t think you’ll be finding ANY member of One Direction in your stocking

this Christmas, or any other year, even though they have been known to

go for the older woman!

Right!  The brat had just unknowingly forfeited the Victoria’s Secret stuff

her mother had planned to buy her.

Some of Tristram’s duties involved emptying the town Lapland post box

and arranging the re-direction of the mail to the PO department that dealt

with applications to Greenland’s Fulfilment Centre.  He had to read them in

order to decipher the return addresses and he showed me some of the

finest epistles deposited therein:

1) Dear Father Xmas,

As one who is a member of the ‘kids from one to ninety two’ bracket,

may I register a little festive plea?

As a long term fan of The Beach Boys, I would very much like an

Aloha shirt- Medium size. Actually, the folks over there can be

quite large, so maybe a ‘Small’ would do?

In spite of my nickname- Caligula- I can assure you that

J’etais sage pendant l’annee 2014. 

Why am I falling into the Gallic medium?

Many thanks and The Peace of the Lord be With You,

Nigel Milford-Haven

Form Teacher

St Birinus Middle School etc

PS- The use of ‘X’ in Xmas in no way indicates any agnostic


(Chi Rho)


2) Dear Santa,

Please may I have a taser gun so that I can zap the next boy who calls

me Ginger Minger? I do hope that Rudolph has recovered from the

mental trauma of being called names and marginalised at games.

Bullying isn’t nice, I can tell you.  I’m glad that you picked him out to

be special, even though his fur is a teeny bit auburn.  It sends out

the right message.


Ferdy xx

Nutwood Cottage

Suttonford  etc

3) Dear Santa Claws (sic),

Please may we remind you that we would prefer not to have joint prezzies?

The tandem you left us last year is still in Dad’s observatory.

On the 24th we will not set our buglar (sic) alarm, so don’t worry about coming

in.  The chimney has been swept, so you shouldn’t get too dirty.  If you are

sooty, please could you be careful of Mum’s cream carpet in the sitting room,

as she goes ballistic if anyone steps on it with outdoor shoes or boots.

We will leave a carrot out, as Mum doesn’t believe in suet, so mince pies

are off.

Have a good one!

Castor & Pollux.

The address wasn’t vital on this one as there was only one set of twins in

the town who answered to such stellar appellations.

4) Dear Father Christmas,

I can’t remember what it is that I really, really want, but zombie make-up

would do for my stocking.  You usually get it about right, but I think The

Memory Game last year didn’t do me much good, I’m afraid. Or did you give

that to Ming?  I can’t remember.  Maybe it was the year before?



(There was no address on this one, but Tristram remembered that Carrie’s

son had something like ADD.)


Dear Santa,

I don’t really believe in you, but I might as well hedge my bets.

I have been reasonably well-behaved this term.  Well, it is all

relative, isn’t it?

In all probability, I think I would like Richard Dawkins’ new book

for children- Faith and Fairy Tales.

I enjoyed my Apocalyptic experience on Salisbury Plain, but as

I was done out of a paint balling session, could Juniper- my sister

and I- have vouchers for a Red Letter Day involving anything

violent with tanks and weapons?

Thank You – even if you are only my dad.

John etc

6) Dear Santa,

I don’t need anything this year.  Please just make a donation to Curs

in Crisis. Maybe the pugs could go on a driving course, like that giant

Schnautzer cross I saw online?  Their legs are a little short, though.

I’ll leave it up to you.  I think they’d like it, though, as they often ride

on my scooter, but their Highway Code isn’t up to much.


Edward xx

Pug on a Vespa (Sodapopper) Tags: red ny vespa pug scooter southampton moped

(Such selflessness brought tears to Tristram and Clammie’s eyes.)

She made Tristram a cup oftea when they returned home with the

festive correspondence and warmed up a mince pie for him.

However, she eschewed one herself, as the fairy costume was a

little tight round the bust.  Tinkerbelle had obviously not  been a