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The words "Educating Essex" on a black background

‘Do you remember that poem that used to be in all the children’s anthologies?

I asked Carrie.  ‘Please Mrs Butler’ by Allan Ahlberg?’

It was grey, wet and a typical half term.  She had managed to sneak away for

a coffee to preserve her sanity.

Oh, yeah, she said, giving me a puzzled look.  Why do you ask?  It used to

annoy me as the kids used to recite it whenever their teachers set poetry

memorisation for prep.  They liked doing the whining voice.

Oh, it’s just that I remembered that the Deputy Head from the programme

‘Educating Essex’ is Stephen Drew.  So, I couldn’t help writing an updated

version.  He is a media personality now.

Oh, I remember.  There was a Derek Drew in the original, wasn’t there?

Pass it over, she said, taking out her varifocals.

Please Mrs Butler 2

Oi, Mrs Butler,

teacher Mr Drew

keeps picking on me, Miss.

What should I do?


Check into Isolation.

Leave those fags here with me.

Go and have your nose powdered.

You’re going to be on tv.


You, Mrs Butler!

That p* Mr Drew

took my hoodie from me, Miss,

which he has no right to do.


Remove your baseball cap, love.

Hide your mobile phone.

Sneer at all the cameras.

You’re going to be well known.


Hey, Mrs Butler!

F* Mr Drew

is now a celebrity.

Why aren’t you?


Some of us have to teach, dude.

Micro-manage (not!)

Why don’t you open your textbook?

Knowledge can be quite hot.


No one pays me attention.

No one gives me much dough.

I always skip Detention.

I see no quid pro quo.


Just want to be on the telly-

to be a household name.

Learning’s for the pathetic.

Studying’s a mug’s game.


Please, Mrs Butler.

why did you have to start?

you wouldn’t give me an A*,

so I’ve stabbed you in the heart.


Yes, now I’m in Isolation.

I’m monitored in my cell.

Reality TV’s here-

so, didn’t I do well?