Boris Johnson, Caribbean, celebrity sighting, doppelganger, Edward Scissorhands, George Osborne, grog, hoop ear-rings, Jack Sparrow, Johnny Depp, Keira Knightley, Kirstie Allsopp, kohl, New Forest, Phil Spencer, Pilate, Pugwash, Somali pirate, True Cross, Ugg, walking plank
Scheherezade and Tiger-Lily were still on their Easter break from school.
They’d decided to go to their favourite coffee shop, Costamuchamoulah,
to be seen and to give autographs to any members of the Lower School
who might happen upon them.
But suddenly-Aaaaagh!!! Did you see who that was? shrieked Tiger.
Yeah, I think that was him, verified Sherry, hot-footing it down High Street
as fast as her Ugg boots would permit.
Johnny Depp had reputedly bought a house in The New Forest and several
local publications had printed “evidence” of his having graced local sylvan
hostelries in his quest to quench his thirst with some grog.
If all these sightings were to be summarised then they would far outnumber
the multiple venerations of the True Cross in Medieval Europe and would,
no doubt, be as authentic. It was fantastical to think of any unities of time
or place in these much vaunted protestations of having witnessed a real
No, mum, I swear it was him, hyper-ventilated Tiger.
Maybe it was a doppelganger, teased Carrie.
A double, someone who looks like him, suggested Carrie, peeling some
potatoes. She wondered if Keira Knightley peeled vegetables and what
hand cream she would use if she did.
Sherry added: The Daily Mail reported that it might have been Johnny Depp’s
son who was with him, although the boy spoke perfect English.
And what would that sound like, man? laughed Carrie. I thought that the
prescriptive idea of language was old hat. Everything in linguistics is organic,
like these potatoes!
I bet his son’ll go to a private school, said Tiger dreamily.
Anyway, interrupted Sherry, two reporters from The Suttonford Chronicle
cornered him- Johnny, I mean, but he made a getaway by going into Tesco
Express. He came out carrying a 12 pack…
..of beer? asked Carrie.
No, Andrex. Actually it was a 14 pack, as there’s a special offer on at
the moment and you get 2 rolls free.
I wonder what the reporters were asking that so annoyed him?
mused Carrie, making a mental note of the special offer, especially as
she had a double points coupon that needed to be cashed in by the end
of the month.
They had got a little confused, explained Tiger, taking the peelings to the bin,
in an uncharacteristically altruistic action which was completely for Sherry’s
benefit. Sometimes Carrie felt that she was expected to be Edwina
Scissorhands with all the domestic chores with which she was
burdened when the cleaner was on holiday.
Johnny wasn’t the only skilled thespian on the planet. Tiger wanted
to look good in front of her friend, so she put on an Oscar-worthy
performance of a dutiful daughter.
They thought he was a Somali pirate and that they had some sort of Channel
4 scoop, she elucidated.
Carrie typed in “Depp” and “Suttonford Chronicle” and sourced the article on
Oh look, she commented, they can’t spell Caribbean! Ah…they say
that he also has a thirteen year old daughter called Lily-Rose.
I bet she’ll be coming to our school, breathed Sherry. She’ll probably be in
the year below us.
Well, said Carrie astringently, he’d have to be a Somali pirate to afford the
increase in fees. If George Osborne has anything to do with it we will all be
walking the financial plank over shark-infested seas. Let’s hope Captain
Sparrow has the vital pieces-of-eight. Oh, it says that he is going to return
to the role in 2015.
Wow! enthused Tiger that means…
Yeah, interjected Sherry, that kohl, bandannas and hoop ear-rings are
going to be mega!
Tiger regained the conversational floor: And everyone will want to go to
Somalia for his/her gap year.
It’s not in the Caribbean, lectured Carrie. Honestly, what did they learn in
Geography now? Pupils seemed to be out and about doing street surveys
on celebrity sightings, but most of the kids couldn’t distinguish one
international shopping mall from another and didn’t know if they were in
Dubai, or Doncaster. They seemed to know as little about location as
most of Kirstie Allsopp and Phil Spencer’s clients.
On second thoughts, she didn’t think the students she knew would be
familiar with Doncaster…
She had seen past articles in The Guardian and The Sunday Correspondent on
Captain Pugwash, where journalists affected confusion over the names of
cartoon pirates and simply fabricated the facts- and were sued. (Maybe
Boris Johnson had learned a trick or two from them about sexing up details.)
She sincerely hoped that the girls would be able to distinguish fact from fiction.
But, as Pilate said, What is Truth? And he had had its prime example standing
right in front of him. Still, veracity was an educational objective, surely?
Who could tell? Had it been Johnny Depp in Suttonford, or was it a case of
mass hysteria and mistaken identity?
Hogwash/Pugwash? Nowadays it was increasingly difficult to distinguish