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Try these, boys.

Twins, Castor and Pollux turned their noses up at Brassica’s latest smoothie,

made with frozen kale, chia seeds, bee pollen and baobab powder.

No thanks, Mum.

Not hungry.

But I’ve made them specially for you.  Try them with some quinoa toast with

almond butter.

Give it a rest, Mum.

Don’t be cheeky.  It’s what Calgary Avansino gives her kids.


The well-being editor of Vogue.  She doesn’t believe in carbs and junk


Is that the person who gave you the idea of putting flax seeds in our

packed lunches? groaned Castor.

She probably persuades her followers to make their family eat locusts

and wild honey, joked Pollux.


It’s all the fault of that actress, Gwyneth Paltrow, added Castor.

Yeah, she even called her kid Apple, continued Pollux.  I bet she put her on

a core curriculum.

Enough, boys, Brassie intervened.  I went to a lot of trouble to source the

maca and lacuma powders; the freeze-dried acai berries and so forth.

I bet you didn’t find them in Tesco Express, quipped Castor.

Maybe, acknowledged Brassie, but if we were to alter our eating behaviour,

they’d have to stock up on these healthier ingredients, wouldn’t they?

Wouldn’t they what? asked Cosmo, entering the kitchen from the garden


Dad! Try one of these! chorused the twins.

Emmm, I’ve just had a coffee.  But thanks, guys.  He looked at the glass

goblets with evident aversion as he bent down to place a small ball of coloured

foil in the Brabantia bin, as surreptitiously as he could.

Cosmo! shrieked Brassie.

She opened the lid and triumphantly picked the sphere out of the bin.

You are setting a very bad example. (She recognised the colours of a

Cadbury’s Creme Egg wrapper.)  What’s the point of Gwyneth, Calgary

and myself trying to improve our family’s health if we are continually being


I only ate one, Cosmo admitted sheepishly.

Castor and Pollux ran excitedly in the direction of the observatory.

Egg hunt! they whooped.

Brassie knew that she was defeated on this occasion.  She sipped one of the

smoothies and then poured it into the food waste bin outside the kitchen door.

I bet Chris Martin of Coldplay doesn’t negate everything that Gwyneth is trying

to achieve macrobiotically, she sniffed.  Mind you, he was photographed

munching crisps recently. You are all the same.


Oh, let’s face it, she’d have been a better Emma if she had experienced a bit

more ambivalence in her own life. Cosmo, in one brief film critique had uttered

a damnatio memoriae while peeling a chocolate ovum behind his back.

He passed the naked temptation in front of her, tantalisingly.

As she opened her mouth to protest, he popped it in dexterously.

Go on, he laughed. You know you want it.

Gmmmumph! chomped Brassie.

And it was markedly more enjoyable than the smoothies, she had

to admit. Today the press had suggested that the Innocent varieties

of vital one of “five-a-days” were not all that they professed.

So, maybe moderation was a better idea. She had forgotten how

satisfying sinning could be.  She felt positively -?-happy!

They weren’t very big after all.