Hello, Edward dear. Did you have a nice day at school?
Candia, where’s Mummy?
Oh, she’s just gone to Scotland to say goodbye to Grandma Jean.
Why? Where’s she going?
Emm, she’s going to see Grandad Gian.
She hasn’t seen him for ages. Maybe he won’t remember her.
Oh, I think he will.
Why do Swiss Cheese plants have holes in their leaves?
Ah, it’s because the holes help them with their stress.
(I know how they must feel!)
(You wait!) Just feeling you have too much on your plate.
Like Rollo, Ming and Ferdy. They’re greedy. Daddy says their eyes
are bigger than their bellies. Can I have some crisps when we get
When is Mummy coming back?
Ah, Daddy will know.
Will Daddy know why Swiss Cheese plants have holes in their leaves,
I expect so, Ed. It was in the news yesterday. They develop them so
they can trap more sunflecks in the dark underworld of the tropical
That’s what the teacher said yesterday, so I cut lots of holes in all the
plants in the conservatory. I thought I would save the planet and
help everyone to be less stressed.
That was a kind thought. (Where am I going to get well-established
plants exactly like all the ones she had in her conservatory, before she
Edward, maybe you shouldn’t be playing with scissors when Mummy
and Daddy aren’t around. Promise me you won’t do any more indoor
Okay, Candia. I can sort your plants, though, if you’d like me to help
Thank you, but no, Edward. I like them just the way they are.
Yes, just like me-stressed!
Oh, prawn cocktail-my favourite! Mummy doesn’t let me have the
Good for Mummy- oh, I mean that most sincerely. What a kind
Mummy you have, Edward.
I know. But Daddy is more kinder.
What do you mean?
He lets me have Baked Bean and Sausage and Ketchup flavours.
Well, let’s just keep that a secret then. And, tell you what, let’s not
tell Mummy about the plants when she phones tonight.
Is she phoning from heaven?
No, from Scotland. Some people call it the Promised Land.
Do the plants have holes in their leaves there?
Yes. All of them.
Because the North wind blows a freezing gale straight through them.
But they’re not stressed?
And all the people eat things that are bad for them?
Not all. (I lied.)
Candia, thank you for picking up Edward. I managed to get home
Pleasure, Gyles. He’s had some crisps. I’ll talk to you about the
plants later. I’ll pick him up tomorrow at the same time.
(After I’ve had a Diazepam sandwich!)
I hope he wasn’t any trouble.
No, he was a monstera deliciosa. I’ll explain later!