REWARD FOR INFORMATION LEADING TO RETURN OF:
Much beloved and sorely missed pet of the Willoughby family,
1 North Street,
Tel: Suttonford 753799
A male, castrated Border terrier, micro-chipped. Friendly, slight
bladder problem, requires expensive medication.
Last seen Sunday, 16th January, 2013 in walled rear garden of above
Brassie was just about to jump into her 4×4 to race down to St
Birinus Middle with her son’s flugelhorn, which he’d forgotten to
take with him that morning, when she noticed a puddle in the drive
and a rolled up piece of paper which was sticking out of her
She unrolled the scroll and read the following:
Hey, missus, have your dog back. He just peed all over the van and
barked non-stop. He’s a ***liability.
Look round the back garden. He’s tied up to that funny metal thing
in the middle of the lawn.
Don’t try to fingerprint this as we always wear gloves.
Brassie was annoyed before the relief kicked in. That metal thing
was a genuine Philippe Johnson sculpture that they had sourced from
his studio in Sussex!
But, Andy, darling!
There he was, looking none the worse for wear and licking her hands
continually while she struggled to unknot the hairy string which
bound him to the artwork.
She ran to the get the dog bowl at the back door which sported the
slogan: Chien en Psychanalyse. Clearly he was very thirsty.
Oh the relief! She picked him up and placed him in the back of the
4×4 and put the dog guard in place. She wasn’t about to let him out
of her sight. The fatted calf would be slain this evening. This dog of
theirs that was lost had now been found!
She would ask the school receptionist to put a note in Mr Milford-
Haven’s pigeon-hole, so that he could tell the boys the good news.
Then she would text Cosmo at work and would call in at the police
station on the way back home to report Andy’s return to the nice
constable. She had better remove all those notices on High Street
and environs. Thankfully they had saved on a reward.
Half way down to school, she remembered that she had left the
overdue Latin prep on the hall table. Drat! It had taken her an hour
Leaving the flugelhorn in Reception, where it took up an inordinate
amount of room and caused Mr Snodbury to trip over it when he
came in to snaffle a few too many red pens and a Prittstick for his
personal use- (to secure an unfranked Xmas card stamp that he
had carefully steamed off, I believe, but no matter..)- Brassie left a
note for the twins’ form master which concluded with the following:
Sorry about the prep, sed Mihi ignosce, cum homine de cane debeo
congredi , which, I believe, could be translated thus:
Excuse me, but I’ve got to see a man about a dog.