Tristram, having appeared on two television programmes in recent months- ie/
Come Dine With Me and Location, Location, Location, was regarded as a minor
culinary celebrity and therefore was approached by the local town charities, to
see if he would accept the role of Father Christmas at the late night shopping
evening. They had asked Harry Styles from One Direction to be compere, but
regrettably he was otherwise engaged. Clammie had agreed to be Santa’s
fairy as she had an up-to-date DBS check and was one of the few mums
who could squeeze into the Tinkerbelle costume.
Some of his duties involved emptying the town Lapland post box and re-
directing the mail to the PO department that dealt with applications to
Greenland’s Fulfilment Centre. He had to read them in order to decipher
the return addresses and he showed me some of the finest epistles:
1) Dear Father Xmas,
As one who is a member of the ‘kids from one to ninety two’ bracket, may I register
a little festive plea?
As a long term fan of The Beach Boys, I would very much like an Aloha shirt- Medium
size. Actually, the folks over there can be quite large, so maybe a Small would do?
In spite of my nickname- Caligula- I can assure you that J’etais sage pendant l’annee
Many thanks and The Peace of the Lord be With You,
St Birinus Middle School etc
PS- The use of X in Xmas in no way indicates any agnostic position.
2) Dear Santa,
Please may I have a taser gun so that I can zap the next boy who calls me Ginger
Minger? I do hope that Rudolph has recovered from the mental trauma of being
called names and marginalised at games. Bullying isn’t nice I can tell you. I’m
glad that you picked him out to be special, even though his fur is a teeny bit
3) Dear Santa Claws (sic),
Please may we remind you that we would prefer not to have joint prezzies?
The tandem you left us last year is still in Dad’s observatory.
On the 24th we will not set our buglar (sic) alarm, so don’t worry about coming
in. The chimney has been swept, so you shouldn’t get too dirty. If you are
sooty, please could you be careful of Mum’s cream carpet in the sitting room,
as she goes ballistic if anyone steps on it with outdoor shoes or boots.
We will leave a carrot out, but Mum doesn’t believe in suet, so mince pies
Have a good one!
Castor & Pollux.
The address wasn’t vital on this one as there was only one set of twins in
the town who answered to such stellar appellations.
4) Dear Father Christmas,
I can’t remember what it is that I really, really want, but zombie make-up
would do for my stocking. You usually get it about right, but I think the
Memory Game last year didn’t do me much good, I’m afraid. Or did you give
that to Ming? I can’t remember.
(There was no address on this one, but Tristram remembered that Carrie’s
son had something like ADD.)
I don’t really believe in you, but I might as well hedge my bets.
I have been reasonably well-behaved this term. Well, it is all relative,
I think I would like Richard Dawkins’ new book for children- Faith and Fairy
I enjoyed my Apocalyptic experience on Salisbury Plain, but as I was done
out of a paint balling session, could Juniper- my sister- and I have vouchers
for a Red Letter Day involving anything violent with tanks and weapons?
Thank You – even if you are only my dad.
6) Dear Santa,
I don’t need anything this year. Please just make a donation to Curs in Crisis.
Maybe the pugs could go on a driving course, like that giant Schnautzer cross
I saw online? Their legs are a little short, though. I’ll leave it up to you. I
think they’d like it, though, as they often ride on my scooter.
(This brought tears to Tristram and Clammie’s eyes.) She made Tristram a cup of
tea when they returned home with the correspondence and warmed up a mince
pie for him. However, she eschewed one herself, as the fairy costume was a little
tight round the bust. Tinkerbelle was obviously not a 36B.